Anna – Anna Komemne here to introduce this week’s topic. The Battle of Lepanto. Zach won’t be joining us today because he’s off writing some…what did he call it?
Gaspar – A “science fiction novel,” whatever that is.
Anna – Yes, he’s writing a novel about some sort of science. I don’t get it. But today’s topic is rather thrilling. The climactic battle between Christian Europe and the Ottoman Empire over supremacy of the Mediterranean.
Olga – Where is the food?
Anna – no food yet. Gaspar just ordered the pizza so it might be a while.
(Olga gets up to leave.)
Olga – Tell me when food get here. Little Olga is hungry.
(Olga leaves.)
Anna – Well then. Let’s see who we have on our panel today. We have with us, Tamar of Georgia, queen of Georgia and led her country to a golden age. Then we have Tomoe Gozen, woman samurai a very deadly individual. Then we have Buffalo Calf Road, Cheyenne warrior woman and then we have Gaspar Correia, conquistador and “historian.”
Gaspar – I feel very outnumbered. I’m the only man on the panel.
Anna – Apparently. Stop whining. Now let us begin. On October 7th, 1571, the forces of the Ottoman Empire and the Holy League met for climactic sea battle that was the culmination of centuries of struggle between power and religion. As my beloved Roman…sorry, for those of you who insist upon it…As my beloved “Byzantine” empire shrank and died, the Ottoman’s expanded. They took over Greece, Bulgaria, Rhodes and soon they would lose Cyprus where the city of Famagusta was being besieged.
Tamar – I must pay my respects to the Venetians. They were aware of the Ottoman threat far more than any other European power. They had been fighting almost a non stop navel war with the Ottomans for decades and knew that if the Ottomans gained control of the Mediterranean they would be able to take Southern Europe including Italy and Spain. I know what its like to be isolated and surrounded by enemies. The Venetians brought the Ottomans to the peace table to buy time. While they waited they began planning. They began making weapons. In their Grand Arsenal they began making ships more powerful than anything else of the time.

Tomoe – It is honorable to fight alone despite odds, but sometimes it is good to have an ally. Pope Pius V recognized the threat the Ottomans were but in a different way than the Venetians. The Venetians saw a military and monetary threat and Pope Pius saw a religious threat. Pius V called on all Shoguns and emperors of Europe to come and join a military league against the Ottomans. This was no one-time-battle. This was to be a permanent alliance against the Ottomans that would meet every year and and set sail to fight the Turks wherever they may find them.
Anna – Noble, yes, but not as successful as Pope Pius might want. The problem was, England was too busy with fighting between protestants and Catholics and France had the same problem but also a weak alliance with the Ottomans. The Holy Roman Empire and Poland were too far away and didn’t care about what happened down in the sunny southern Europe.
Buffalo – Wait, so their religious leader calls for aid and he’s just ignored? Such devotion. Did anyone answer?
Anna – Spain did. Austria and Spain were both ruled by the same powerful family, the Hapsburgs. We don’t often think of Austria and Spain in the same sentence, but back then the two countries were just family held lands to one massively powerful and inbred family. Charles V of Spain was a very devout Catholic and wanted to help. However, he was too occupied with plundering gold in the New World to worry about the increasingly less profitable Mediterranean. So, he sent his half-brother, Don John of Austria to lead the fleet. He was young, attractive, charismatic and had recently returned from military success against the Moors. Also answering the Pope’s call were the Kingdom of Naples, the Duchy of Savoy, Republic of Genoa, Kingdom of Sicily and the Knights of Malta who are always up for a fight.
Tamar – Quite the fleet. It was the largest fleet seen by Europe since…perhaps Salamis almost 2,000 years prior. The Pope was the mover and shaker here. He organized and get everyone together, but Venice helped as much as they could. After all, they were the Ottoman’s next target. The Pope personally blessed the Holy League’s banner and sent it down to Sicily where the combined fleet would meet. Venice had the the most ships, 109 and Spain had 90. The rest were Knights of Malta and the other countries’.
Gaspar – But the Venetians had something else up their sleeve. While the others were assembling their fleets, the Venetians were busy making a secret weapon. (Anna groans.) Aside from their usual galley warships, unchanged since the Ancient Greeks…well, they did add cannons…the Venetians also made super sized ginormous warships called “Galleasses.” These were enormous warships with bigger cannons pointed in all directions. There were six of these super ships and they were to be up at the front of the battle.

Buffalo – Wait, did they really?
Anna – Actually, yes. They made super weapon battle ships that were so large they couldn’t be boarded and could fire all around them with bigger guns than any other ship.
Tamar – But the Sultan had spies and knew of the Holy League’s plans. He gathered his forces and appointed Ali Pasha as admiral. He sent his fleet out to meet this Holy League and destroy it.

Tomoe – The two fleets met near Greece where the Turks had sailed out of the port of Lepanto. The Holy League had 212 ships including the 6 super star destroyers …I mean…galleasses and had 28,500 soldiers. They had heavy cannons that some of the ships had to modified to handle and the soldiers were armed with breastplates, helmets and the latest guns. The Ottomans had 251 ships with 31,500 soldiers armed with bows, crossbows and a few guns. No armor. This is a battle where both courage and technology would play a crucial role. Unlike true samurai, honor would play little in this battle. But rage would. On the way to find the Turks, they heard of the fall of Famagusta and how the after surrendering, the Turks slaughtered them without honor. This enraged the Christians.
Buffalo – The two sides faced off in groups of three. Wait…I think I have a map….

As the two sides lined up the Gallesses opened fired, firing their cannons much farther than thought possible. Don John took the center, Barbarigo of Venice took the left and Doria of Spain took the right. Now, here’s something I know a little about. Arrows and guns. The Christians wore steel armor that could, on good days, stop bullets from their modern matchlocks. They had better guns than the Ottomans and more of them. Also, the Ottomans trusted in their composite short bows for volume of fire. but the problem was, their arrows couldn’t hope to penetrate the Christians’ armor. Also, the Turks didn’t carry enough ammunition which would prove to be a problem in a little bit. Don John wore full plate armor and carried a giant sword. Usually the side with the bigger and more numerous guns wins.
Anna – As the battle commenced, Don John saw the flag of Ali Pasha which had the name of Allah written a thousand times in gold. He sailed his squadron right down the middle towards the confident Ali Pasha. Just like Alexander the Great, charging into the middle to take out the leader.
The Venetian admiral was set upon by five ships at once and was almost instantly killed. The second in command took over and was killed only a short time later. The Venetians were fighting a hard battle and somehow managed to turn the Ottomans and ran their ships into the shore where many Turks tried to run. They were picked off by gunfire from the Venetian ships. The gallesses were surrounded by enemy but they were inflicting terrible casualties among the Turks. Their big guns could smash apart the smaller Turkish ships with ease. The gallesses sunk over 70 Turkish ships by themselves and messed up their formations and caused chaos in their ranks.

Tomoe – But then Admiral Dora of Spain did something that was perhaps dishonorable. He saw that Turkish fleet extended past his lines, so he moved his squadrons further south to avoid being surrounded, but this left a large hole in Christian line. The Turks saw this and immediately sailed into opening so they could come back around and attack Christians from the rear. The only ships that moved in to block the line were the handful of galleys from the Knights of Malta. (If you don’t know them, check out our three part epic of the siege of Malta.) The Knights stood their ground and prevented the Turks from breaking through though they died almost to the man in doing so. That is most honorable like true samurai.
Tamar – In the center however was where the fighting was fiercest. Don John’s and Ali Pasha’s ships sailed right at each other like a destined duel. The two ships came up beside each other as did all the ships around them. They were packed so close together that the water could hardly be seen. It was chaos. Ships smashing into ships, flights of arrows and muskets firing, drums and horns blaring and shouts from the wounded and dying filled the air. Ships rammed into ships and others were boarded. Eye witness accounts said the sea was red with blood for miles around. It was a hellish way to fight. It was as intense as it was lethal.

Buffalo – Ali Paha’s elite janissaries boarded Don John’s flagship the “Real” twice but each time the Spaniards counter boarded and on the third time Ali Pasha was killed by a small cannon ball to his head. A low rank soldier quickly cut off Pasha’s head and put it on a pike to show everyone that the battle was in the Holy League’s favor. Such a barbaric way to fight. Horrible.
Anna – As the Turks saw that the admiral’s flagship (with his personal treasure) was captured, they quickly lost heart and began retreating. It was a route and the Holy League destroyed much of the Turkish fleet. The final score was:
Holy League: 17 ships lost. 1 ship captured, 8,000 dead.
Ottomans: 50 ships lost, 137 captured, 20,000 dead.
Also, 15,000 Christian galley slaves were set free and on man in particular was shot in the hand. His name was Miguel de Cervantes who wrote “Don Quixote.”
Buffalo – Okay, so the Holy League won the battle. So what? Was this important in the long run?
Anna – Depends on who you ask. Most historians mark this as a turning point in the wars between Europe and the Turks. After this, the Turks never really threaten the western Mediterranean again.
Tamar – But the Ottomans rebuilt their fleet the following year. No big loss.
Anna – Yes, big loss. They built ships, but they lost most of their experienced sailors. They had ships but not enough men to sail them. The following year they didn’t embark on any campaigns and by 1780 their once mighty fleet was rotting in the harbor of Constantinople.
Tomoe – Also, there was the loss of the bowmen. Bowmen are hard to train and the Ottomans lost almost all of them. In one battle the entire tradition of Turkish bowmen was wiped out.
Gaspar – Whatever, it doesn’t matter. What happened was that Europe now felt bold enough that they could take on the Ottomans and the Ottomans didn’t feel like they could take on Europe on the sea. Turning point, yes, but it was too late in a way. Europe turned away from the Mediterranean and faced west to the New World or East to India and China. The fate of the Mediterranean became a side show, a backwater. It was now small game compared to the big dogs. Both Venice and the Ottoman Empire slowly shrank into obscurity after this.
Anna – We’ll let the readers decide for themselves on the outcome of this battle.

But Europe rose and the Ottoman fell. Nuff said.

 

Gaspar – Hey, don’t forget to like us on Bookface.

Anna – He means Facebook.

Zach – Its been at least a good ten minutes since anyone here’s mentioned “Romans” so today’s topic is a lesson in asymmetrical warfare in the Roman Empire. “Asymmetrical Warfare” means: Asymmetric warfare is war between belligerents whose relative military power differs significantly, or whose strategy or tactics differ significantly.

Anna – But first, let’s introduce our panelists. As always, I, Anna Komemne, Byzantine princess and first woman historian is the co-host. Next we have Hua Mulan, Ancient Chinese woman soldier. Then we have General Cornwallis, head of British forces during the American Revolutionary War. Next we have Saint Olga of Kiev, first Russian convert to Christianity and expert in blood soaked revenge. And lastly…and I do mean lastly, we have Gaspar Correia, conquistador and “historian.”
Olga – Thank you, thank you. Is good to be here, dah? Pretty little Olga likes to talk about peoples beating up peoples.
Gaspar – So, we’re talking about Romans?
Zach – You didn’t do the research, did you?
Gaspar – Oh, I did a TON of research.
Anna – (Glares at Gaspar) Clearly.
Zach – So, let’s get into it, shall we? In 106 BC. there was a Numidian king named Jugurtha. He slaughtered his brothers who were heirs of his father’s kingdom and took control over all of Numidia. His father saw that he was too popular and sent him off to fight with their Roman allies in Spain, hoping he’d get killed. But it turned out that he rocked at it and came back a war hero. After assassinating one of his brothers, he began waging war on the other. But his brother, Adherbal was kind of a weakling and ran to Rome to beg for protection. Jugurtha followed him to Rome and bribed the Senate to give him the good half of the kingdom in exchange for peace. The Senate agreed.
Mulan – Bribing senators? That’s utterly impossible! Was that too much sarcasm?
Gaspar – A bit.
Anna – But, like all barbarian warlords he didn’t keep his word and once he returned to Numidia he started waring against his brother again. He went in and slaughtered his brother and his people without mercy. The Romans were angered about this betrayal of their trust and declared war on Jugurtha.
Cornwallis – Bad form, old boy. I’ve always found it unwise to anger an empire greater than your own. The Roman Senate sent a Consul by the name of Lucius Bestia to Norther Africa to stamp this barbarian king out.
Gaspar – Bestia. That’s an awesome name.
Zach – Gaspar has a solid point there.
(Mulan nods approvingly)
Cornwallis – This Jugurtha chap has a rather different army than the Romans. His army consists mainly of light skirmishers and light cavalry, perfect for nomadic hit and run tactics.


Mulan – The Roman Republic had a very different theory of warfare. They specialized in mass formations of heavy infantry with archers supporting them and little cavalry to scout and guard the flanks.


Mulan – As you can see, there is a vast difference between the two armies. The Romans have a ‘dress-right-dress’ high speed-low drag proffesional killing machine and the Numidians have a bunch of scantily clad runners that can shoot and run away before a fight breaks out.
Zach – You’re not a fan of Barbarians, are you.
Mulan – I was trying not to be biased but I spent my adult life fighting filthy barbarians.
Cornwallis – No, no, I fully understand.
Olga – I like Numidians. Why stand up to big army that can kill you? If you get into fair fight, you did something wrong. Stab in back is better.
Anna – I find it most dishonorable.
Zach – So, Rome invades Numidia with their giant, slow army and find a local populace that doesn’t like them and help hide and support Jugurtha. Wait…this sounds very familiar. Rome moves further into Numidia as the invasion progresses and Jugurtha is constantly harassing the Roman army. They attack at night, raid supply lines and then fall back into the mountains when the heat gets turned up. When the heat got too much, Jugurtha offered peace with a large gift for Bestia and Bestia returned with Rome claiming victory.
Anna – But the Senate was less than enthused. They accused him of being bribed. Meanwhile back in Numidia, Jurgurtha continued his war, breaking his promise yet again.
Mulan – See! Stinking barbarians.
Olga – Ha! Foolish Romans.
Cornwallis – The Senate then sent another Consul named Postumius Spurius Albinus. He brought fresh troops and supplies. But he found the situation more difficult than the old chap imagined. Whenever he advanced on Jurgutha, the king would retreat and everything the Romans relaxed, the Numidians would attack. It was most frustrating. To top it off, Jurgutha would make promises and treaties every time he was in danger and each time the Romans would stop the war and negotiate. And each time Jurgutha broke his promises and attacked when the Romans weren’t prepared.
Olga – Romans not being noble, they being stupid.
Zach – Eventually Albinus got sick of it and left to go chill in Italy and eat some gelato while he left his brother in charge. His brother, Aulus in charge. Aulus was described as a “Coneited ignoramus.” That’s probably not the kind of person you want in charge of your army, but that’s what happens when politics decides who leads an army. Aulus gets the bright idea to attack one of Jugurtha’s fortresses that’s completely surrounded by swamp. So he moves his lumbering army into the swam and waits. Jugurtha retreats into the countryside, pretending to be afraid. While Aulus was wading through muck trying to find the Numidian army, Jugurtha bribes a bunch of Aulus’s army to switch sides. Then they launch a surprise attack against the now undefended Roman camp and force Aulus to surrender.
Gaspar – Jugurtha accomplished this daring feat thanks to “stealth suits” made with powdered unicorn horn and Atlantean technology. These invisible warriors made it past the magical sentry ballistas the Romans had around their camp. See, I did my homework.

Anna – Why do we keep him around?
Zach – He buys the pizza most of the time.
Gaspar – I have trunks of plundered gold. I can afford it.
Mulan – The romans, sick of Jugurtha’s crap, move in with this new invasion. But the new consul, Quintus Caecilius Metellus learned from his predecessors. He used far more light troops such as slingers, archers and light cavalry to advance slowly. When they got to towns they found smiling officials ready to help them. He didn’t trust any of them. He could not be bribed or fooled. A very professional soldier. I like that.

Cornwallis – Yes, Metellus keeps a stiff upper lip and takes his army out into the plains to chase this wily barbarian king. Jugurtha tries to trick Metellus into an ambush several times, but Metellus advances slowly and constantly prepared to fight. Finally Jugurtha gives in and brings his own army to bare. He brings his light infantry and light cavalry into combat with Rome’s heavy infantry and heavy cavalry. They would move in, unleash darts and then run away before the Romans could counter attack. The Romans largely ignored it and continued to advance on Jugurtha’s capital. By nightfall, Jugurtha’s army was exhausted and they fell back into the hills. Metellus saw an opportunity and sent his heavy infantry in to attack the Numidians at night. The Numidian army ended up retreating and it was a huge disaster for Jugurtha. Quite a shame.
Zach – Metellus continued to advance while Jugurtha harassed them. Metellus ignored him and marched straight for the capital. Once Jugurtha realized their goal, he raced to catch up. Metellus surrounded the city and began the attack. The archers and slingers covered the ladders as they were brought up to the wall. Jugurtha attacked the Roman camp and the Metellus sent his second in command, Marius, to defend the camp. When Marius arrived he saw that the Numidians were scattered and disorganized as they were looting the camp. He fell on them and slaughtered them. The next day Jugurtha could see that his city was ready to fall, so he launched an all out attack and actually drove the Romans away from his city. With winter coming along, Metellus withdrew his army to garrison the towns and cities they already held.
Anna – This may be surprising, but Jugurtha once again used deceit and surprise to attack the Romans. Metellus, tired of the war, tried to negotiate peace with Jugurtha but Jugurtha instead raised a fresh army and renewed the war. During a festival where the Romans were busy partying, Jugurtha surprised them and killed them as they were drunk.
Olga – And then he burned their houses down, yes?
Anna – No, those were his peoples’ houses. He didn’t want to burn them.
Olga – Shame, shame.
Mulan – Metellus, this old soldier had had enough. He gathered some Numidian allies of his and marched on Jugurtha’s capital. Once he arrived he put his Numidians in the front and when the people of the city saw the Numidians, they threw open the gates because they thought it was Jugurtha. Metellus then proceeded to slaughter everyone in the city.
Anna – Rather barbaric for a civilized Roman.
Zach – Those were the rules of warfare back then. If a city resists, then its fair game for slaughter.
Mulan – I believe such things should not be done by civilized societies. I forbade my armies from looting.
Zach – That’s because you’re awesome.
Mulan – I am awesome. Remember that.
Cornwallis – After Metellus’ victory, he began to pacify the country one town at a time. He built trust and friendship with the people and showed them the advantages of friendship with the Romans. This had the effect of isolating Jugurtha to the hills and swamplands. One by one Metellus took all of Jugurtha’s strongholds and cities. It took a long time, but he was meticulous and didn’t rush it.

Zach – Metellus, tired of winning all the time, retired back to Rome to work on his pizza recipe. Marius was now in charge. He continued the whole urban pacification and Jugurtha grew so desperate he launched another assault on the Roman position. Remember, he was great with hit and run, but not great with field battles. Marius was hard pressed to defend his camp, but he scoffed at the barbarian and had his army pretend to run away to just behind a nearby hill. Jugurtha didn’t follow and assumed the Romans were running all the way back to Alexandria. They made camp in the Roman camp and began eating and drinking to celebrate their vicotory. Marius waited until dawn and then charged down the hill where the Numidians were still passed out from a night of drinking forties and loud music from their ghetto blasters. The Romans caught them completely by surprise and probably (some of them at least) with their pants down. Jugurtha, showing just how great a general he was, miraculously organized his army in time to avoid being completely destroyed. He attacked the Roman lines again and again; from the front, the rear and sides. Nothing worked. The heavy infantry acted as a wall he couldn’t break through. Jugurtha managed to escape but lost most of his army.
Anna – Jugurtha’s second in command, Bochus, was tired of getting his fanny paddled and asked the Romans to negotiate a peace treaty. My fellow Romans were tired of this and demanded only one thing. If he wanted peace, he had to bring Jugurtha to them in chains.

Zach – Bochus then invited Jugurtha to a party where he surprised the king, killed his bodyguard and took him captive. He promptly turned him over to the Romans. The Romans were known for a great deal, but forgiveness was never one of them. They took Jugurtha, the barbarian king who led them around the desert for ten years and threw him in prison where they starved him to death.
Anna – That wasn’t very merciful.
Mulan – Got what he deserved.
Olga – So sad.
Gaspar – But Jugurtha came back as a Litch, an undead sorcerer and over the centuries was a continuous plague on the Roman Empire.
Anna – So, why did it take the Romans ten years?
Zach – The problem was that they had completely different forms of warfare. The Romans moved in slowly with a ponderous army, and waited for Jugurtha to face them in open battle. They simply weren’t equipped mentally or equipment wise to deal with an insurgency. Like how America thought the way to defeat an insurgency was to drive up and down the highways and get blown up by bombs, the Romans thought they could walk in and intimidate the Numidians. Turns out neither of those tactics worked. In a set piece field battle, the Romans like the Americans, will win against a lighter force. But finding people that are hiding among a hostile populace? Not easy.
Mulan – Then, how does one defeat an insurgency? I fought barbarians, but they were always invading china.
Zach – You make the populace feel it would be better for them to support you instead of the insurgency. The Romans did this by offering citizenship, roads, medicine, theaters, circuses and tax exemptions. There’s no real easy answer but the Romans finally won because they began playing the game like Numidians did and city by city, pacified the country.

Zach – Welcome back to Minimum Wage Historian and this week’s topic of Elizabeth Van Lew. As many of you know, I’m an adopted Virginian and will always count myself as a Virginian even though I currently reside in Utah. And as a Virginian I have a duty to learn what I can about its history. In my wanderings I often come across small tidbits I find interesting, such as: the name of the City of Richmond comes from an Englishman who saw the James River and it reminded him of the Thames River as seen from Richmond Hill in London. So, he called the settlement Richmond. But sometimes I find a larger piece of history that I think people should know about. Today we will discuss Elizabeth Van Lew. She was a spy for the Union and one of the most effective and eccentric ones of the war. But before we get to that, let’s introduce our panel.
Anna – As always I’ll be co-hosting even though I’m twice the historian Zach is and far more attractive. I’m Anna Komemne, “Byzantine” princess born in the Purple Chamber of the Imperial palace and first recorded woman historian. Next we have Buffalo Calf Road, Cheyenne warrior woman and possibly killed General Custer.
Buffalo – Possibly??!!
Anna – Next we have Guiseppe Garibaldi. Italian hero of the Reunification.
Garibaldi – Gratzie. Anna, yes? And what would the lovely Anna be doing after this?
Anna – Doesn’t matter. I’ll be busy. Next we have Olga of Kiev, Russian Saint and expert on revenge.  Followed by Gaspar Correia, Conquistador and voted “Least accurate Historian ever.”
Gaspar – Who voted me least accurate??
Anna – Me and Zach.
Buffalo – (laughs)
Gaspar – Don’t make me play Conquistadors and Indians.
Buffalo – Let me drop a 99% lethal virus on your country and see how well you do.
Olga – Be quiet both of yous. This fighting is pointless.
Zach – Thank you Olga for being the voice of moderation and peace.
Olga – We all know Russia is best. You make us angry, we drop big bomb on you.
Zach – (face palms)
Anna – Anyway. Let’s get to it, shall we?
Olga – Yes, before I have to blow a comrade up with bomb.
Zach – Elizabeth Van Lew was born in Richmond in 1818 to a wealthy family from New York. While they weren’t at the top of the social heap, they were respected enough to throw parties and dinners for high society. Heck, even Edgar Allen Poe performed a private reading of “The Raven” for them. Does it get cooler than that? I submit to you that it does not. But they were ‘new money’ and not an old southern family. Before the Civil War, the South and Virginia especially had a very aristocratic society.
Buffalo – And what he means by that is that the rich people controlled everyone else.
Zach – Pretty much. But Elizabeth’s father was successful in his business dealings and they owned a house in the Church Hill neighborhood of Richmond across from St. John’s Church where Patrick Henry gave his “Give me liberty or give me death” speech. On the 4th of July you can still go to that church and hear actors recreating that famous scene BTW.

Anna – Yes, they had a magnificent three and a half story mansion in Richmond and a summer house along the shore of the James River. She was privately tutored and then went to school in Philadelphia. She was not very pretty nor was she ugly, but she was usually the smartest person in the room, could hold informed conversations about almost anything and had a wit sharper than a razor.
Garibaldi – Sounds like my kind of woman, yes?
Buffalo – Ah, but there was a problem. She lived in Richmond, a very Southern city. And she was an abolitionist. That wasn’t smiled upon where she grew up. But she didn’t care what they thought. She only cared about what she knew to be right and wrong. She wrote in her diary: “From the time I knew right from wrong it was my sad privilege to differ in many things from the … opinions and principles of my locality.” That was putting it mildly. From the time she was introduced into society, she made her opinions on slavery very clear and that didn’t make her popular at all. As the Civil War broke out, many Richmonders shunned her. Others called for her to be put in jail and some even wanted any Northern sympathizers hanged. Luckily for her they mostly ignored her because they viewed her as eccentric and ‘not altogether there.’ Still, she never hesitated from telling the Southerners exactly what she thought.
Garibaldi – Yes, yes! Her heart burned for freedom against the Austrian Crown…er…I mean…Against slavery! After her father died, her and her mother freed all their slaves, found their children that had been sold to others, bought them back and freed them too. She did not merely talk like so many. No, no! She acted with her love of freedom guiding her.
Gaspar – Very impassioned, Garibaldi.
Garibaldi – I cannot help it. I am Italian.
Anna – But then the Civil War started and she found herself surrounded by enemies. How bad was it? The Confederate States of America had their White House in Richmond. She was in the headquarters of the Confederacy.

Zach – But what could she do? It was just her and her mother living in a big house with no friends. When she heard that Yankee prisoners were being held in a prison in the city, she went and visited them and began getting messages to send to their loved ones. She succeeded in a “Charisma” check and convinced the guards to let her visit as a nurse.
Garibaldi – Ha! But soon these little visits weren’t so innocent, no? She began collecting military information from the Yankee soldiers and Southern guards. She began to go places where she could overhear important information. But she wasn’t noticed because people were used to ignoring her. And she also acted a little crazy. She would walk hunched over, mumble to herself and act strange. No one thought the weird lady was a Union spy. What information she gained, she mailed coded messages to Union officials and generals. The cipher was kept in her watch which she still had when she died. I could have used a senora like her during my wars!
Olga – I’m sure you Italian man had plenty of womens.
Garibaldi – (shrugs)
Zach – She also sent her servants on “innocent” errands. She would put messages in empty egg shells and sown into their clothes. Keep in mind that her neighbors hated the idea that she was even helping the Union soldiers. If they knew she was acting as a spy, they would have hanged her. To the people of Richmond there was only one thing worse than a Yankee: a traitor. Heck, me being a Southerner I didn’t know “Damnyankee” was two words until I was thirteen.
Olga – What is that word?
Zach – Never mind.
Gaspar – But that is not all. She also became notorious for her assassinations.
Zach – No, she did not!”
Gaspar – Sit down and let grown ups do history here. They didn’t know who it was that kept blowing up factories and killing their agents, but they had a name for her: Lady Reaper. Southern spies feared being found out by the Lady Reaper and soon they sent their own assassin after her. Alexander Boudilaire was a Southern aristocrat, but he had a talent for shooting the Ace cards right through the middle. No one was more lethal. Their duel lasted two days through the city of Richmond. One stalking the other and then trying to line up a shot on their target. Eventually Elizabeth caught him in an alleyway. Her knowledge of her home town let her trap her target. The ensuing gunfight was brief but bloody.

Anna – Everyone, please ignore everything Gaspar just said. He’s a moron.
Buffalo – Gaspar, a girl doesn’t have to blow up half the city to be a hero. She did everything she could to do what she felt was right, regardless of personal danger. I’d call that a hero any day.
Olga – So, why do it then?
Buffalo – Because to her, the equality of all men was more important than her own life. She once said: “I’m not a Yankee. I’m only a good Southerner, holding to an old Virginian tradition of opposition to human bondage.”
Zach – But then Elizabeth or “Crazy Bett” as the prison guards called her, thought of an idea. She had a servant named Mary Bowser.who had a photographic memory. Elizabeth rolled her Charisma check again and somehow talked Jefferson Davis, the Confederate President to take Mary on as a servant. From Mary, Elizabeth was able to gain vital information about troop movements and military strategy, information that could make or lose a war.
Buffalo – But information wasn’t enough for this woman! She organized a web of contacts and spies that she gained more and more information from. She even helped plan a prison break for the Union soldiers and when they finally made their escape, she hid several of them in her attic until the heat was turned down.

Garibaldi – Near the end of the war when General U.S. Grant set up his headquarters outside of Richmond, she continued to pass messages to him regularly. She was so good at it, that she liked to also sneak him flowers for his breakfast table. Yes, even in war a man must appreciate the beautiful things of life.
Zach – But eventually the war was won by the Yankee filth…oh…I mean, the Union forces. And her wartime activities became known. She didn’t hide it ether. As soon as Lee left with his forces, she went up to her roof and unfurled a giant American flag. Her neighbors gathered around and began cursing her but she said “General Grant will be here within the hour. If you do one thing to my home, yours will be burnt in the hour!” If she had been disliked before, she was outwardly loathed now. From this day on she basically became a reclusive hermit in her house. She occasionally had important Northern visitors and was even named Postmaster of Richmond by Grant, but no one in society would even look at her except to spit at her. She had spent her family’s fortune helping the Northern war effort and was now friendless and penniless. She has been called the most effective spy in the war and she received nothing but heartbreak and loneliness for it. For decades after she could be seen walking through the streets of Richmond with her cane and talking to herself. She also owned 40 or so cats. Yes, sometimes that crazy cat lady might have a story to tell and Elizabeth’s story was one of doing what she thought right even if it cost her everything but her life. After the war her only income was an annuity from a Union soldier she helped escape from prison.
When she died in 1900 she couldn’t afford a tombstone, but Union soldiers she had saved donated money for the tombstone which said: “She risked everything that is dear to man — friends, fortune, comfort, health, life itself , all for the one absorbing desire of her heart — that slavery might be abolished and the Union preserved.”
Anna – Sometimes doing what’s right doesn’t earn you any rewards. Sometimes the person loses quite a lot. Just look at our dear Joan D’Arc.
Zach – But Elizabeth was a hard core woman that didn’t just talk, she did. When she saw injustice she risked all she had to fight it. That’s a lesson we need to keep alive. And that goes for the big and small things in life alike.

Zach – And now we have the conclusion to the epic three part series of the Great Siege of Malta. When last we left our intrepid heroes, the fort of St. Elmo had just fallen to the Turks after a month long siege. the tiny fort had been expected to last a week at most. It lasted four, buying precious time for the other two forts of Angelo and St. Micheal, on the peninsulas of Senglea and Birgu respectively. Wait, I have a map somewhere…

Anna – But before we get into the conclusion of this amazing story, let us introduce our panel of expert historical figures. First we have Boudica, Barbarian woman that rebelled against Rome. Then we have Scipio Africanus, Roman general who defeated Hannibal. (Aren’t they supposed to be separated?) Next we have Hua Mulan, woman soldier of ancient China. Then we have Gaspar Correia, Portuguese conquistador and “historian.” And saved the best for last…because she’d burn my book collection if I didn’t say so, St. Olga of Kiev, first Russian saint and expert in the art of revenge.
Africanus – Let us get to it then.
Boudica – Of course the Roman thinks he’s in charge.
Zach – So, after the Turks took St. Elmo, they turned to the other two forts on Senglea and Birgu. During the time Ft. Elmo purchased them with their lives, La Valette bought food from the locals at market price instead of just taking it like every other nobleman would have done, and fortified his positions. He put tubs of water for defenders who got burned by their incendiary weapons and food and water at every post so no one would have to leave their post to eat. These among other countless preparations would prove to make a difference in the coming battle.
Mulan – As a soldier I must second the art of preparation. You can’t prepare for everything, but you can prepare for DEALING with almost everything. But Valette’s preparations did not end there. He also prepared his men and the citizens of Malta for what lay ahead. When they had been kicked out of Rhodes by the Turks, much of it was due to turncoats. He would not let that happen here. He gathered everyone for a meeting and told them that the Turks were dying of disease, were in poor spirits, running low on food and ammo and reminded them of what terrible things would happen if the Turks won. They would be killed or enslaved.
Africanus – Meanwhile, the Turks had taken several days to get their batteries in place. All their artillery was now being aimed at the two forts. Trenches were being dug in and preparations were being made for a difficult siege.

Anna – While the Turks were regrouping for the coming battle, a small relief force of 700 knights, “gentlemen volunteers” from Italy and men-at-arms came ashore from Sicily. The Sicilian captain of the small fleet had orders by the Viceroy of Sicily (Yes, the man that stalled and stalled about sending aid) to not land troops if Ft. Elmo had fallen. Some Knights of the Order went out on a reconnaissance mission and saw that the fort had fallen. They returned to the captain and told him the fort still stood so the captain let them disembark. They had snuck past the Turkish blockade at night and arrived in Birgu to much applause. That was the night of June 29th.
Olga – Me guess that General Mustapha not happy with news, dah?
Zach – Safe assumption.
Olga – Mustapha then sends messenger person to Knights, saying “Hey, we let you go, comrades and we take island. No more killing, dah?” La Valette say…I have quote here…
Anna – Olga did her homework?
Zach – We’ll make a historian out of her yet!
Olga – I has quote here! (Holds up paper.) He say, “Tell your master that this is the only territory that I will give him. (point to ditch in front of fortress walls) There lies the land which he may have for his own – provided only that he fills it with the bodies of his Janissaries.” The little messenger saw many men in armor staring him down, tall fort walls and lots and lots of guns that he peed his pants. Poor little man.
Zach – That’s a hardcore answer from a man that refused to surrender. You will see this time and time again. Valette’s indomitable will is what kept the Knights together. He kept to his strategy with a determination to win that is very rare in history. Most men had breaking points. Apparently Valette was the exception.

Zach – Mustapha, however, tried something the Turks were good at, pulling their ships over land. The corsair Drugat had done it a few years ago and the Turks had done it at the siege of Constantinople.
Anna – Oh, don’t remind me!
Zach – Look back up to the map. See the large peninsula in the middle? Well, the Turks couldn’t get their ships past Ft. Angelo, so they dragged their ships over that peninsula and got behind the fort. Now they could land troops there and bombard the forts from both sides. This was not good news for the Knights.
Anna – But then an officer of the Turkish army deserted. He was a Greek that had several ancestors that were Roman (Byzantine if you must) emperors and felt shamed that he was fighting for the people that destroyed his home. He escaped and fled to the Knights and told them everything about the Turkish plans and where they planned to attack. Over the course of the siege his continual advice would prove invaluable.
Gaspar – A bit of luck! This was also when the Knights brought out their experimental teleportation device. Using Unified Field theory, they managed to teleport a small, but elite squad of commandos with magically blessed armor. This small group managed to cut their way to Mustapha’s tent before being stopped by a Turkish golem of brass and iron.

Mulan – (Shakes head in disgust.) The attack started in the first week of July. The cannons surrounding the forts on all sides opened up. There were also wooden palisades in the water along the shore to prevent landings and the Turks sent swimmers out to destroy the obstacles. Now, at this time, few people knew how to swim, even sailors. But the native Maltese people were practically born in the water and a group of native swimmer volunteered and swam out to stop the Turks. There was a fight in the water and the Maltese civilians massacred the Turkish saboteurs. Normally, being commoners, their names would not be recorded, but in this case, their heroism earned them a place in history. Pedro Bola, Martin, Juan del Pont and Francisco Saltaron. Now the Maltese civilians would play a vital part in the siege. They would act as medics, repair fortifications, carry wounded, bring supplies, drop rocks from the walls, throw boiling oil and fight. Even the women and children fought along the walls. The fort on Birgu had a town around it and the town had barricades thrown up in the streets so when the Turks would breach the walls, they’d find a whole town of defenses awaiting them. Once again, Valette’s preparations.
Boudica – The Turks then got some good news. A son-in-law of Dragut and reinforcements from Algiers showed up. The Algerians were proud warriors and couldn’t believe that these Knights were so tough, so they asked to attack first. The following day the Turks launched an all out assault on the forts. This was July 15. The assault was against both forts at the same time. This is how the Turks would continue this battle, attacking both forts so the defenders would have to split their manpower. Not bad but it also meant the Turkish artillery was split. Through constant musket fire the Turks stormed the beaches and came up to the walls. Ladders were thrown up and the fighting became fierce and desperate. Meanwhile the Algerians were attacking Senglea from the landward side. The Algerians rushed forward without fear for their lives. Unfortunately, bravery can only do so much with cannons and point-blank range. The cannons loaded with metal balls and chains tore through the Algerian ranks, decimating their force. Even with horrible casualties, the Algerians managed to get up onto the walls.
Africanus – Things did indeed look desperate for the Knights. But then the situation grew worse. A powder magazine in the fort exploded, blowing a large hole in the wall. The Turks immediately rushed the gap and for a moment the Knights fell back. But then one Knight and a priest (carrying a sword) urged the men to counter attack and their bravery saved the fort from being overrun right then and there.
Mulan – Again, Valette’s preparations came into play. A bridge of boats from one fort to the other allowed quick redeployment so a fort in trouble could receive reinforcements. Valette sent more men into Dirgu to stop the breaches.
Anna – Has this man thought of everything?
Zach – I don’t know. We shall see!
Anna – Don’t be stupid. Of course you know.
Zach – Check this before you wreck this: Mustapha had a cunning plan. While this pitched battle was going back and forth, Mustapha played his ace. Hidden away, he had ten boats of 1,000 Jannisaries awaiting the order to attack. Now he sent them to attack the northern shore of Senglea while they were distracted. Mustapha watched his elite Jannisaries sail out of sight around the peninsula and knew that victory was in reach.
Mulan – BUT!
Anna – Oh, oh.
Mulan – But, once again, Valette’s preparations would save the day. Valette thought, “If I were the Turks, I’d try to attack the northern part of the fort while everyone was distracted at the southern land walls. So, I better put a hidden gun battery there in case they try something.” As the ten boats pulled up to point-blank range, the cannons opened fire. Instantly ships were shredded by shot and chain. Nine ships were sunk outright and the damaged tenth one managed to limp away. In the space of two minutes 900 Jannisaries were killed. The few Turkish survivors that managed to swim ashore were killed by the locals that were waiting there. The Maltese natives coined the term “St. Elmo’s Pay” which meant “no mercy.”

Olga – Did Valette think of everything?
Gaspar – Yes.
Zach – The battle went on for five hours. When the Turks finally called the attack off, they had lost 3,000 and the Knights had lost 250. Now, how can these Knights fight for hours in the hot Maltese summer? Historians have wondered this over the years. The Crusaders in the Holy Land wore heavy armor in temperatures that made touching metal painful. Here’s where my limited combat experience comes in. In the Army we had body armor that was basically a helmet and breastplate. They were heavy. They were hot. In Iraq the summer got to over 125 degrees and it was torture just to step outside. But we did with “full battle rattle,” all our gear. How did I do it? I honestly don’t know. Just got “used” to it I suppose. It always sucked. The level of suckitude was shockingly high, but somehow we coped and just did it. I imagine these Maltese Knights got used to it and carried on kicking butt.

Anna – Mustapha thinking that perhaps the forts needed a little softening up, began to bombard the forts none stop. On the 2nd of August he unleashed a bombardment that was so fierce viewers said that the very hills were on fire. Every cannon in his army unleashed their fury on the embattled forts. The firepower was so fierce that the bombardment could be heard in Catania 100 miles away and in Sicily. For six hours the Turks bombarded the forts, launched assaults and bombarded again. Nothing seemed to phase the Knights.
Africanus – These Knights are putting up a most Roman of defense.
Boudica – These Knights aren’t laying down and crying like little babies.
Zach – (clears throat) So, anyway, on the 7th of August the Turks launch another massive assault and this time they breach the walls but…
Mulan – Again, Valette’s planning saved the day.
Olga – How many time we going to hear that?
Mulan – A lot. Once the Turks pored through the breach in the wall, they found a second wall awaiting them and their victorious breach turned into a death trap. The Turks were slaughtered and the Knights took the opportunity to actually charge out and attack the Turkish trenches.
Zach – Well played, La Valette. I don’t even know what I’m having for dinner tonight and this guy’s thought of everything.
Africanus – However over at Senglea at this time was going very well for the Turks. The walls were breached and Turks were swarming over the ramparts. The Knights were falling back and it looked like Ft. Angelo was about to be lost. Turkish flags were being flown on the fort’s walls and the Jannisaries were moving in to make the final charge that would take the fort. Everyone, including Valette knew that it was over. The fort was doomed.
Gaspar – And Valette had prepared for this as well, I suppose.
Mulan – Actually, no. At the very friggin’ moment that the Turks were about to win, they suddenly heard the horns and drums of retreat. For a moment the Jannisaries, ever obedient stopped and wondered, “What the hebbie Jebbies?” But they followed orders and the Turkish army withdrew.
Olga – I don’t get it. Why turn back when they about to win?
Anna – The Knights scratched their heads and wondered what just happened. Valette figured that the relief force from Sicily had finally arrived. That was the only logical explanation. In fact, that was exactly what Mustapha thought as well. But it turned out both were wrong.
Olga – Tell Olga what happened or I send burning cars through you window.
Zach – There was a town, Mdina, the capital of Malta. It had a tiny garrison. While the Turks launched their all-out assault on the forts, they sallied out and attacked the Turkish camp which had only a handful of guards. They killed the guards and the wounded and everyone else they found. The Turks, thinking the relief force from Sicily had arrived, sent word to Mustapha. When Mustapha heard that it wasn’t an enormous force of Christian reinforcements, he was a little peeved.
Anna – The next day the Knights received word from the Viceroy of Sicily that he would send help “before the end of August.” He had already promised help “before June 20th” so the Knights figured that the Viceroy was just being a little coward and was pulling their leg. Valette knew that no help would be coming. They were on their own. He sent word to all his troops and Maltese defenders that they had no one to rely on but themselves. No help was coming so they either defeated the Turks or died. No middle ground. The town around the forts was in utter ruins. No one, not even women and children were without wounds. There was no rest from constant bombardments or attacks. Food and water were growing thin as was ammo. Starvation was out of the question due to Valette’s preparations, but still, it wasn’t a vacation. Like my father, Alexios Komemnos, they knew how to make do with what little they had.
Boudica – On the 18th of August, the Turks undermined the fort’s walls and blew a big hole in the Knights’ defenses.

The Turks pored through the hole and the defenders fell back. Their defenses were crumbling and Valette saw that this was the moment of battle, the moment where everything sat in a balance. So, he grabbed up a helmet, snatched a spear from a nearby soldier and with his officers, charged into the breach to stop the Turks. When his men saw their commander leading the counter attack they cried out that their master was in danger and surged toward the Turks in a counter attack. Unlike the cowardly Roman Generals, Valette was not afraid to do his own fighting. His own bravery encouraged his men and they pushed the Turks back. A hand grenade went off and wounded Valette in the leg but he refused medical attention until he saw that the walls were all secure again. Now THAT is how you fight like a barbarian!
Africanus – Hogwash!
Mulan – The next day, Valette’s nephew was killed. His body and the body of another young knight were brought to him. The other knights tried to console Valette but he scolded them and said “All the Knights are equally dear to me. I look upon all of them as my children. The Death of Polastron moves me as much as that of my nephew. These two young men have only gone before the rest of us by but a few days. For, if the relief from Sicily does not come, and we cannot save Malta, we must all die. To the very last man – we must bury ourselves beneath these ruins.” It was the only time he showed a hint of discouragement.
Gaspar – Hardcore, man.
Olga – Very Russian of him.
Zach – Valette had reason to despair. Their dead were increasing, their walls were crumbling by the day and the Turks now had a siege tower filled with snipers that could shoot down at the defenders. Then Valette told everyone it was time to cowboy up and take out that freaking siege tower. They couldn’t take it down with fire because it was fireproofed and if they tried to shoot it the snipers would take them out first. So, Valette had his engineers cut a hole in the wall way down low where the siege tower was. He then stuck a cannon through the hole, loaded with chain shot which was two iron balls with a long chain attached between them. When fired the balls would spread out and whip around like a buzz saw. The chain shot tore through the base of the tower sending it crashing to the ground.
Anna – I’m afraid their victory was short lived. The poor Knights at the other fort had their own problems. AsValette took out the siege tower, Mustapha had built what he called “the Infernal Machine.” It was basically a large pipebomb loaded with enough explosives, chains, spikes and nails to blow up the fort. The giant tube of death was rolled up the ramp of rubble that used to the wall and shoved into the Knights’ position. However they had made the fuze painfully slow and the Knights simply rolled it back into the enemy position where it exploded in the middle of the Turks that were awaiting to assault. Seeing an opportunity, the Knights charged out and massacred the shocked Turks.

Mulan – As a soldier I understand the importance of morale. At this point the Turkish morale was very low. They had just seen their two super weapons fail completely. Sickness was spreading through their army like gossip at a church meeting. They were running out of men, ammo, powder, food, water and their sense of “give a crap.” It was late August and weather in the Mediterranean was unsalable in the Fall. By early September they either had to win, leave Malta or set up camp for the winter. Mustapha was in favor of starving the Knights out and waiting out the winter, but Admiral Piali wouldn’t have it. He said the safety of his fleet was the priority and refused to stay. He would leave for Constantinople with or without the army.
Zach – The Knights were facing their own crisis. The forts were rapidly becoming indefensible. All of the senior Knights urged Valette to abandon Birgu and pull all forces back to Senglea with the fortress of St. Angelo. Everyone urged this.
Everyone except Valette.
He said, “I respect your advice, my brethren, but I shall not take it. And these are my reasons. If we abandon Birgu we lose Senglea, for the garrison there cannot hold out on its own. The fortress of St. Angelo is too small to hold all the population as well as ourselves and our men. And I have no intention of abandoning the loyal Maltese, their wives and their children, to the enemy. St Angelo’s water supply, even supposing that we can get all the people within its walls, will not be adequate. With the Turks masters of Senglea, and occupying the ruins of Birgu, it will only be a matter of time before even the strong walls of St. Angelo will fall before their concentrated fire. At the moment, they are forced to divert their energies and fire-power. Such will not be the case if we and all our men are locked within St. Angelo. No, my brothers, this and this only is the place where we must stand and fight. Here we must all perish together, or finally, with the help of God, succeed in driving off our enemy.” And to make sure there was no thought of retreat, he burned his remaining boats and destroyed the bridge that connected the two forts. That way, everyone must stand where they were and win or die.
Mulan – The Turks know what the destruction of the bridge meant. They knew then that the Knights intended to die to the last man. On the 20th, the Turks brought in another siege tower and this time instead of a cannon, which the Turks were expecting, they cut a hole and a bunch of highly motivated knights pored out and captured the towers. Then they used the tower for their own defenses. The Turks weapon was again turned against them.
Africanus – I’m afraid the Turks received more bad news. Their supply ships had been captured by ships from Sicily. They would not be getting more food or ammunition any time soon. The Roman secret of victory was logistics. If you can’t feed your army, you can’t fight. Their ammunition for their cannons was starting to run low and they were forced to slow down their rate of fire. The Knights saw this and rejoiced. They knew the end was approaching one way or another.
Boudica – I thought the Roman secret of success was no ruthlessness and not having souls. But then Mustapha made yet another mistake. Instead of putting more pressure on the two forts, he took a large group of his men and turned around to attack Mdina, the small city. Mdina had walls that wouldn’t stop a well trained ox and a tiny garrison that wouldn’t be able to slow the Turks down let alone stop them. Mustapha thought that since he couldn’t take the two forts, he could at least take the city so he wouldn’t go back to the Sultan empty handed. Don Mesquita, the Portuguese governor of Mdina saw the Turks coming and knew he couldn’t fight.
Gaspar – But, we Portuguese are made of win and we don’t like to lose. So, Don Mesquita quickly came up with a plan. He dressed all his civilians, women and children like guards and had everyone go out and stand on the walls to make it look like they had far more troops than they really had. He also had what few cannon and guns brought up. As the Turks marched up they saw the walls were covered in fresh soldiers that were taking random shots at them showing that they had plenty of ammo and powder to spare. It was all a lie. The Turks saw this and the soldiers began saying “It’ll be another St. Elmo!” and the thought of another impossible siege made them lose what little courage they had left. The Turks then turned around and went back without firing a single shot.
Olga – No way that true.
Zach – No, Gaspar’s right. That really happened. I guess the Portuguese are good at making stuff up.

Gaspar – Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?
Anna – The complete failure to even fight demoralized the Turks to a dangerous level. Officers were complaining that they couldn’t get their troops to attack and that even when they did, they had little to attack with. This incident had the opposite effect on the Knights. For the first time they began to have a faint hope of victory. It now seemed possible that they could beat the Turks. All during this, Valette walked among his men, fought beside them and was an inspiration to them all. Knights didn’t suffer sickness and plague like the Turks did. Remember what the Knights first occupations were? Doctors. They weren’t called “Hospitllars” for nothing. They understood basic sanitation and kept wounds and food clean. This saved them from the deadly sicknesses that always accompanied long sieges.
Olga – Yay for medical peoples!
Zach – All the way into September the Turks continued to half heartedly bombard the forts but didn’t launch any major attacks.

But then….

Suddenly on the night of the 6th of September, Don Garcia, the Viceroy of Sicily appeared with a fleet of 28 ships and around 9,000 men. For some unexplained reason the Turks didn’t even try to stop them. The fleet landed and on the morning of the 7th, the relief force came ashore and went to Mdina to find out what the situation was. News reached Mustapha and Valette at about the same time. I imagine that Mustapha threw his hands in the air and said, “Well that’s just great! Game over man, game over!” The relief force however, was about half the size it was supposed to be. No need to let the Turks know that, so they let one of their prisoners escape after “overhearing” that the relief force was over 16,000 men. The slave rushed to Turkish lines and told Mustapha. Mustapha nodded sagely, stood up and ordered an immediate retreat. They packed up as quickly as they could and hurried to their boats during the night. In the morning, the knights saw that the trenches were empty, no Turks in sight and their fleet slowly sailing away. They let out a great cheer and opened the gates. The defenders pored out and gave thanks to their God. The Maltese began plundering what the Turks had left behind in their haste. The Knights gathered what arms and ammo they could find just in case the Turks came back.
Anna – As they sailed away, Mustapha saw that the relief force was much smaller than he’d been told and urge Piali to turn back so they could attack the relief force. They landed on a sandy bay and the fresh relief force, eager to avenge their fallen comrades of Malta, surged out and immediately attacked the Turks. I don’t know what Mustapha was thinking. None of his troops had the heart to fight anymore and upon seeing this fresh army charging at them like maniacs, they broke and fled back to their ships. The relief force fell upon the stragglers and cut them down. They felt quite good about themselves until they arrived at Birgu and Senglea and saw the mountains of corpses. Then they began to saw how little they had done. The Knights of St. John had done all the work for them and they had nothing to boast about.
Zach – The siege was over. Against all odds the Knights had held out and won. The Turks had lost around 30,000 men, three quarters of their army. When the crippled fleet returned to Constantinople, the Sultan ordered that they come in at night so the people wouldn’t see the shattered remains of the great fleet. Ottoman dominance in the Mediterranean was over. Never again would they attack Malta, the stepping stone to Italy. A few years later would be the Battle of Lepanto where the Christian League, with some survivors from Malta, would destroy the Turkish navy. The Knights of Malta were now heroes in Europe and church bells rang all across the many countries, even Protestant England declared eight days of Thanksgiving. La Valette was an instant celebrity and hero and donations to rebuild Malta pored in from all over Europe. They rebuilt the forts even greater than before and founded a new city named after Valette. This was to be the new headquarters of the Knights of St. John. They had saved Europe and everyone knew it.
Gaspar – I couldn’t make up a story that epic…not that I would make anything up.

Zach – Welcome back to Part 2 of our three part series on the Great Siege of Malta. When last we left our intrepid Knights of St. John, their island of Malta was being invaded by the Ottoman Turks. There were three major fortresses protecting the island and the smallest one, the one that guarded the harbors was being surrounded by the Turks. The odds were overwhelmingly against the defenders. The Knights needed time to wait the siege out so winter would come and drive the Turks home or for help to arrive. (Though there was a slim chance of that.) The strategy was to cost the Turks every inch of ground and hold them for as long as possible. The key to this first part of the battle was to hold the Turk at this small, poorly constructed fort for as long as they could while costing them as dearly as they could. Simple strategy but as we shall see, it will not be easy.
Anna – Thank you for the re-cap. Now, let us introduce our panelists. Today we have Hua Mulan, woman warrior of ancient China. Next we have Matilda of Tuscany, leader of her personal army for the Pope! Next we have Buffalo Calf Road, woman warrior of the Cheyenne. Then we have “historian” and conquistador, Gaspar Correia. Then we have the first Russian saint and expert in fiery vengance, St. Olga of Kiev. And last and not least we have Casimir Pulaski, Polish hero of the American War of Independence. Glad you could all be here today.
Olga – Dah, you ask nicely so little Olga come.
Pulaski – How could I resist talking about a hopeless fight?
Gaspar – This is the part of the battle where the Turks bring out they cybernetic raptors that fight against the Crusaders’…
Zach – AND we have little time to waste, so let’s begin.
Anna – Before the attack, the Turkish leaders were divided on what plan of action to take. General Mustapha was for taking the northern island of Gozo which would thus cut Malta off from reinforcements from Sicily and bypassing the mostly useless fort of St. Elmo. This was the plan the Knights feared most. But Admiral Piali, a close relative of the Sultan, over ruled Mustapha and made the plan to attack Fort Elmo first to secure a safe port from the storms that weren’t due until fall.
Buffalo – Wait…he wanted to attack a useless fort to protect his ships from a storm that wasn’t coming for several months?
Anna – That is correct.
Buffalo – Am I missing something?
Anna – I’m afraid not. It doesn’t make sense but he over ruled Mustapha so the Knights rejoiced as they watched the Turks ignore the north (their route of resupply and communication) and go after the small fort. While the Turks wasted time with Ft. Elmo, they’d spend the time reinforcing the actually important fortresses.

Pulaski – The Turks brought in mounds of dirt and began placing their artillery. The Turks had made the use of artillery into an art form and as poetic as that might sound, the fact was, they brought a lot of really big guns. There are few problems that excessive firepower won’t solve. The power of the Turks’ cannons would crack the limestone walls of the fort and turn it into powder. As the opening barrage wore on, a pale cloud of limestone dust began to form around the fort, making it difficult to see into and out of. On top of that, the Turks had placed sniper on the hill looking over the fort. These snipers were some of the best in Europe and made it all but impossible for the Knights to man the walls properly. Me and General Washington used snipers to great effect during the American Revolution.
Mulan – The Grand Master of the Knights send a message north to the Pope, other Knights of St. John and to the Viceroy of Sicily, asking for help. The Viceroy promised help in June, but no sooner. Also, he made it conditional if they sent two of their galleys north to help transport the soldiers. But there was a problem with this. Even with a skeleton crew, the two galleys would take almost a thousand men to man and with only 7,000 men in total, it was simply impossible.
Buffalo – But, didn’t the Viceroy know that?
Mulan – Of course. The Viceroy was a veteran soldier himself. He only wished for an excuse to not send help.
Buffalo – I’d skin him for that.
Mulan – I would not be happy myself, but like me, these men were soldiers and went on with what must be done. They constantly sent out their cavalry and local partisans to harass the Turks. This would become a slow and draining wound to the Turkish army. Every casualty counted. But the Turks had brought thousands of slaves with them and these slaves were used to dig the trenches in barren rock. The Knight’s sharp shooters killed them by the hundreds and the bodies were pushed into piles to act as cover. At the end of the first day, Ft. Elmo sent word to La Valette that the fort could only continue on with a steady supply of reinforcements. As long as men could continue to enter the fort, it would hold. This was a simple fact that eluded the Turks. If they had one Chinese officer with them, this whole battle would have ended within days.
Pulaski – Grand Master La Valette called a meeting of his officers. He explained how the fort was doomed and it was only a matter of time before the fort fell. The question was: how much time. Every day the fort could hold out was essential. Also, he made it clear to his men that there would be no surrender. There was no where for their order to go. Either they hold out and win or they would die.

Zach – Then something unexpected happened. One of the Knights’ ships returned from a long range patrol. They saw the island was surrounded by tried to break through. Piali, the Turkish admiral was enraged by the idea of a lone ship trying to break through his navy. So he sent out six ships to intercept this “Lunatic Christian.”
Olga – I have been called this thing before. Lunatic means “beautiful,” dah?
Zach – Um, yes, of course. So the ship, seeing that it’s really hopeless, breaks off and turns north to Sicily. Five of the Turkish ships turn back but one keeps going. When the captain of the Knight’s ship sees they’re down to one pursuer, and having been well practiced in the fine arts of piracy, he immediately orders an abrupt turn around with one side of the ship peddling backwards with the other side pushes forward as hard as they can, turning the ship in its own radius. The Knight’s ship does a complete 180 like they were in a high speed car chase and attacks the lone Turkish ship. Seeing this lunatic Knight ship coming at them, they turn around and run back to the Turkish navy. Everyone saw this. The Knights broke out in cheering and the Turks were rather embarrassed.

Olga – Oh! Oh! I read this part! Olga do homework, see? This is…um…five days, dah? Five days when fighting started.
Zach – That’s right. Very good Olga.
Olga – Yes, Turks think they take fort in five days. NOT! In early morning, when dark, Knights sneak out of fort and attack Turk trenches. They fight a lot and take many trenches, killing many peoples. This make Knights happy. But then Turk…um, how you say?
Zach – Jannissaries.
Olga – Yes! That it. Jannissaries. Turk Jannissaries, special forces, move in and fight Knights back into fort.

Buffalo – Bad news for the Knights! They were pushed back into their fort. But then worse news arrived. The next morning, Dragut, the famous Turkish pirate and admiral showed up. This man was over seventy years old. Seventy years of kicking butt across the Mediterranean and taking no names. This was a big problem for the Knights because Dragut actually knew what he was doing. And he also brought fifteen ships full of North African fighters. The first thing Dragut asked was “Why the heck didn’t you seal off the north part of the island?” I imagine they responded with “Um…um….um…” And then Dragut asked, “Why the heck didn’t you seal off Fort Elmo?! If they keep reinforcing the fort with fresh men, it’ll never fall! Blockheads!” I imagine they responded with “Oh, well….um…you see….um…”
Pulaski – Yes, Dragut’s arrival was very bad news. He began to position cannons near the harbor where the Knights ferried men and equipment. Once those guns were in place it became very difficult to send anyone back and forth and they could only do so at night now. The fate of the fortress was sealed as soon as those cannons went up. By the following day of Dragut’s arrival, the firepower leveled at the fortress nearly doubled. The coordination of the Turkish army was more efficient and the plan to strangle the fort was in place. A Spanish knight described the fort as “a volcano in eruption” due to the fire and smoke constantly surrounding it. An average of 6,000 to 7,000 artillery shells were fired at the fort every day. (They kept count.)
Zach – During my own little siege experience at Abu Garhaib, there were only a few hundred incoming projectiles of different kinds.
Gaspar – Dragut, the famous corsair had learned from the best. Barbarossa, the famous Turkish pirate, not to be confused with the German emperor, was the terror of the seas. At his command Dragut was able to call upon the powers of the Deep Ones and the Dread Cthulhu. He summoned these terrifying monstrosities out of their slumber at the bottom of the ocean to fight their battles. The Knights were saved only by the help of an elite core of werewolves that had taken the Knightly vows. These werewolves fought to the last man…er…wolf against these unholy abominations!

Buffalo – Besides the fact that that wasn’t true, the Knights were kinda in a predicament. It had been a week and the fort was filled with wounded men. Even the wounded manned their posts and men went around delivering bread soaked in wine as food. The moral of the fort wasn’t looking too good.
Mulan – Indeed not. They were doomed and they knew it. Then more bad news arrived.
Olga – More? Is that possible?
Mulan – Apparently. News that the Viceroy of Sicily would not send a large army any time soon was not good for the moral. On top of that, Fort Elmo suffered a disaster. An outer fortification was being scouted out by two Turkish engineers and they found that the few defenders there were all asleep. They rushed back to Dragut who then sent his Jannissaries in. They went quietly and fell upon the outer fortification, slaughtering everyone inside. The few survivors rushed across the drawbridge to the fort. Now the Turks had the outer defenses of Fort Elmo. In civilian terms that’s called “Not good.” It was a sloppy as a soup sandwich of the Knights to let the fortification fall like that.
Zach – The Jannissaries rushed to the walls and gate of the fort and began bringing up their ladders. But the Knights had tricks of their own. They used “Wild Fire” that…
Anna – Hey! Call it what it is! Greek fire! Invented by my people in Constantinople.
Zach – Yes, Greek fire. It’s basically primative napalm in either handgrenades (clay jars with wicks) or in a clever flame thrower.
Gaspar – Wait, the Knights had grenades and flamethrowers?
Zach – Sure did.
Gaspar – Wow. I didn’t even have to make that u….um…make that more accurate than I usually do.
Zach – Yes, the flamethrowers, hand grenades and burning hoops set the Jannissaries loose robes on fire and killed hundreds of them.

Olga – I like these knights! They fight how I like to fight! They burn everything! (Laughs hysterically.)
Anna – They estimate that over 2,000 Jannisaries died that day. A 2 to 1 ration for the knights. Not a bad day’s work.
Zach – Another letter arrived from the Viceroy of Sicily. He said that he’d send troops on the 20th of June if they still held Fort Elmo. It was only June 4th.
Mulan – On the 7th of June, the Turks unleashed a bombardment so powerful that it was said the entire fort shook like a ship in a storm. Walls were leveled and by the end of the day the fort looked more like an ancient ruin than a defensible position. Before dusk the Turks looked out over the fort and wondered if anything could possibly still be living. So they sent in their Jannissaries and were surprised to meet a well disciplined wall of musket fire. The defenders were somehow still alive and were putting up such a fight that it was impossible to take the fort by storm.
Pulaski – Hussah! Then Fort Elmo sent over one of their knights to report to La Vallette. They reported that the fort would fall soon and the men were better used fortifying other positions. Now, this is where the leadership of La Vallette comes into play. This man, after considering the message, ordered that the fort was to be held at all cost. They must hold the Turks there as long as possible. Every moment was precious. The Turks had to exhaust themselves on this useless fort before turning their attention to the two main forts that actually controlled the island. He said, “We swore also on the vows of chivalry that our lives would be sacrificed for the Faith whenever, and wherever, the call might come. our brethren in St. Elmo must now accept that sacrifice.” Basically he said, “They are going to fight and die there.” These were men, that took their noble obligation seriously. For their wealth and status, the price was risking their lives for the cause. And these men knew that the bill was coming and they’d have to pay.
Buffalo – On the 10th of June there was the largest night battle…as in a battle at night…you know what I mean. I know all about night raids, they should have had some of us Cheyenne there. We’d show them how to do it! The Turks lost 1,500 men that night. The defenders lost 60. By the 14th, the Turks were growing furious. The stupid fort should have fallen a week ago! They sent an emissary requesting their surrender and offering safe passage. The Knights looked at the piles of Turkish bodies and laughed. The Imams in the army preached “Jihad” against the Knights of St. John. But then the Knights had some good luck! One of the artillery commanders saw a group of Turkish officers. Obvious due to their bright silk clothing, they were a great target. He fired cannons at the cluster of officers. By luck, Dragut was mortally wounded in the head. He’d die days later but he played no further part in this story. He’d lay semi-concious for days without saying anything. With that one cannon shot, the intelligence driving the Turkish army was gone in an instant.
Olga – ‘Bout time they got some luck, dah?
Gaspar – The cannoneer was a psychic and knew where to aim his cannon.
Zach – And the following day, a cannon ball killed the commander of the Jannissaries. Two blows against the Turkish horde. But by the 19th the situation was clear. The fort could fall any hour. La Vallette sat in his fort, waiting for the inevitable news. There was nothing he could do. He couldn’t evacuate it and he couldn’t support it. All that was left to do was pray they bought a few more hours.
Anna – The situation in the fort was dire. Everyone had multiple wounds, Turkish snipers were firing on them with no restraint and cannons pounded their position constantly. They could barely move for fear of being blown up. All they could do was wait for the end. Yet, over the course of the next few days the Turks assaulted and were constantly surprised that the Knights continued to hold the fort. The knights positioned themselves in the holes in the walls, wearing full plate and carrying giant two handed swords that they wielded like quarter staffs, they formed a wall of flesh and steel.

Two priests stayed in the fort to issue last rights and even they took up swords to defend the fort. The two priests hid the sacred relics of the fort’s church under the floor and burned to rest to prevent them from falling into Turkish hands. Then they rang the bell one last time. The Turks thought they were requesting aid from their brethren, but in reality they were preparing themselves to die. On the 23rd of June, (yeah, no surprise that the date for Sicily’s help came and gone) the entire Turkish army fell on the fort. This was no well timed attack by elite Jannissaries, this was “everyone at once.” Still the few hundred survivors in the fort held on for several hours. Two Spanish knights, so wounded they couldn’t stand, sat in chairs at the breaches and fought sitting down. La Vallette and the rest of the order could only watch as the Turks swarmed through the walls and filled the fort like a broken levy. From the other side of the harbor they saw the flag of St. John torn down and a Turkish one rise in its place. They lasted from May 19th to June 23rd, over a month: three weeks longer than anyone had any right to suspect. It was a heroic last stand and they died to the man. The Turks, upon taking the fort realized that they had payed a high price for a pile of rubble. The Knights had lost about 1,500 men with Fort Elmo. The Turks however had lost over 10,000, a quarter of their army. They turned to see the other two forts, more heavily defended and better built than tiny Fort Elmo. But General Mustapha was said to have cried “Allah! If so small a son has cost us so dear, what price shall we have to pay for so large a father?”

Mulan – By anyone standards, it was a military disaster for the Turks. Wasting so much time and so many men on one fort was too high a price. The Turks took no prisoners and mutilated the bodies of the defenders. In payment La Vallette killed all the Turkish prisoners he was keeping and fired their severed heads from his cannons. This was a signal that the Knights would likewise take no prisoners.
Anna – How barbaric!
Mulan – (shrugs)
Zach – Now the Turkish army and the Turkish guns turn toward Fort Angelo where the main bulk of the Knights waited. The conclusion to the siege awaits next week in Part 3 of this epic trilogy. Who will win? Who will die? What will be the cost and for what? Stay tuned!

Zach – Welcome back to Minimum Wage Historian and we have a special presentation for you today. We are going to embark on an adventure so epic, so unbelievably bone crunchingly awesome that it could only be found in history books and not Hollywood.
Anna – For once Zach isn’t exaggerating. This story is a more desperate stand than Rourke’s Drift, Bastogne and Helm’s Deep combined.
Zach – The topic is: The 1565 Siege of Malta. The full force of the Ottoman Turks smashes against a tiny island fortress guarded by the Knights of St. John.

Anna – But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s start with introducing our panelists.
Zach – Of course. First we have Tomoe Gozen, woman samurai and head taker. Then we have Matilda of Tuscany, Medieval countess who fought the Germans. Then we have Scipio Africanus, Roman general and conqueror of Carthage. Next is…oh boy, Boudica, woman warrior that fought Rome. Then we have Napoleon Bonaparte who wasn’t as short as they say. Then Gaspar Correia, Portuguese conquistador and historian. And last and not least because she’d burn my house down, Olga of Kiev, Russian saint that specialized in blood soaked rampages of vengeance.
Napoleon – Your introductions stink!
Olga – You said there would be milk and cookies, dah?
Boudica – I’m not sitting next to a Roman dog.
Scipio – Would today’s topic be about slaughtering barbarians by any chance?
Zach – (laughs nervously) Aren’t we all full of energy today. Please, no one kill anyone. We have too much to discuss.
Matilda – Yes, so let us get to it then. I shall start by giving a history and description of the Knights of Malta: the Knights of St. John.

They were one of many knightly orders that began in the Crusades. The Knights of St. John, or the Knights Hospitallers started off as a group of monks trying to set up some hospitals for pilgrims and wounded crusaders. But as time passed, the need to protect the pilgrim routes grew and the Knights of St. John grew more militant. They soon became a powerful fighting force answerable only to the Pope.
Scipio – But every fighting force needs a good leader. Let me tell you of the man who led these knights during this Great Siege. His name was Jean Parisot de la Valette, a French knight with a long history of crusading in his family.
Napoleon – Ha! Of course he’s French.
Scipio – indeed. This was a man with one purpose in life, to destroy the enemies of Christendom.  He joined the Order at the age of twenty and never looked back. He was a very strict man that was stern with discipline and didn’t let emotion get in the way of his thinking. He would have made a fine Roman! He spoke many languages including Italian, Greek, Arabic and Turkish. He also spent a year as a galley slave when he was captured by the Turks. Only the toughest of men survived below decks. This was a tradition that dated back to my time fighting the Carthaginians and before that with the Greeks at Salamis. In fact, the ships were nearly the same as well. La Valette was a hard man. These were not times that awarded the weak. One had to be strong to survive and La Valette was one of the strongest. He rose through the order’s ranks and became its Grand Master. Everyone that met him respected him. A natural leader and a man that could give everything for a cause.
Boudica – But he was an anarchistic throw back to the Medieval Crusades. (Didn’t think a barbarian like me knew that word, right?) The Knights were viewed as backwards zealots and old fashioned. Which was one of the reasons they received so little support from the rest of Europe.

Tomoe – His rival was the Sultan Suleiman the Magnificent. The Ottoman Empire saw its golden age and peak of power under this powerful ruler. He controlled an Empire that stretched from Austria to Persia. He had conquered most of Eastern Europe and the Mid-East. He now wanted Italy. To accomplish this, he needed Malta as a staging ground for invasion. Here are some of his titles:
“Sultan of the Ottomans, Allah’s Deputy on Earth, Lord of the Lords of this world, Possessor of Men’s necks, King of Believers and unbelievers, Emperor of the East and the West,” and so on and so on. This man controlled the most powerful empire of its time.
Anna – Barbarians! They expanded at the cost of the Roman Empire. I shall never forgive them.
Boudica – But you’re not Roman, you’re Byzantine.
(Room falls silent.)
Napoleon – Did she just…?
Zach – She did.
Boudica – What?
(Anna rises to her feet.)
Anna – You take that back, heathen barbarian.
Boudica – What did I say?
(Zach whispers in Boudica’s ear.)
Boudica – Oh..l get it. She’s overly sensitive about not being considered Roman. Gotcha.
Zach – Let it go, Anna.
Scipio – Let us discuss the armies involved in this war.
Napoleon – Agreed! I will start with the Turkish Janissaries. These were the elite, creme de la creme of the Turkish army. These men were recruited at a young age from the non-Muslim populations under the Empire’s control. They were trained in harsh and rigid conditions to make the ultimate, unbreakable soldier. Obviously they were nothing compared my personal bodyguard of cavalry, but they would do. They were shock troops and excellent snipers. They were the spear point.
Matilda – “Spear point?” Isn’t that a German term?
Napoleon – I would never stoop so low as to use a German term or German anything! I don’t even eat sauerkraut on my hot dogs.
Gaspar – The Janissaries were genetically engineered super soldiers that were programmed for nothing but killing. They had the best training and equipment time travelers could buy.

 

Boudica – They also had elite units of fanatics that would care nothing for death and charge fearlessly into the enemy. They were not trained like the Jannissaries but were good shock troops to charge into places other men would hesitate to go.
Zach – Also, the Turks were famous for their artillery. They had brought artillery from a science to an art. No one could match the power of Turkish guns.
Olga – Except the Russians. We Russians can blow up anybody.
Zach – Of course. I meant “besides the Russians.”
Olga – Good.
Matilda – Now let’s talk about what the Knights had on their side. The knights themselves were monastic warriors trained in all the arts of chivalry and Western warfare. However, having spent the last two hundred years on islands, (Rhodes was their home before Malta) they had adapted to the sea like few others. They had galleys like the Ancient Greeks, but bigger and now with cannons. They were 280 ft long with a hundred or so slaves working the oars. About 200 fighting men with a main bow cannon, several smaller cannon and several more anti-personal weapons; think of giant shotguns. They couldn’t operate in bad weather because they were so low to the water so winter sailing wasn’t going to happen.
Boudica – Don’t forget the peasants!
Matilda – Of course not. I’ll get to them. Aside from about 800 fully armored and armed knights, they also had about 1,200 men at arms, infantry from Spain and Italy and a few thousand Maltese militia. Normally militia aren’t worth the mud they live in, but these Maltese men and women would prove that the rocky little island produces stout, courageous people. One thing to note, every nationality helping the knights had defectors that wanted to save their lives by running to the Turks. All except the Maltese natives. Not one of them defected. Though Phoenician by heritage, they prided themselves on being one of the earliest Christian communities, dating back to one of St. Paul’s voyages. They spoke an Arabic dialect but hated the Turks.
Zach – Okay, we now know the sides. Time to set this off.
Scipio – The Knights of St. John were dedicated enemies of the Muslims. They had vowed never to wage war on other Christians and viewed themselves as protectors of Christianity. Malta had one advantage. It wasn’t good for farming, mining, livestock or much of anything. But it did have several natural harbors. The Knights used these harbors to launch their ships against Turkish trading lanes. Now, the Sultan was already planning on eventually taking Malta as his next step in invading Italy, but things were sped along with the Knights captured a ship that women of his harem had invested heavily in. This angered his harem. As they say, “a happy man is one with a happy wife.” Now image dozens of unhappy wives. Also, having his shipping lanes constantly attacked by these Christian “pirates” was a problem as well. He thus decided to launch an invasion of Malta.

 

Olga – I see, I think I read this. Sultan not very happy with Crusader peoples. So he say, “Comrade General, Comrade Admiral, you two go over to Malta and blow it up! Now, get along and don’t argue. To make sure you good boys, I send Turgut Reis to help you.
Zach – Turgut Reis was a pirate captain of the highest order. he was so awesome as a pirate that the Turks made him an admiral of their navy. The guy knew his business. He had raided Malta twenty times in the past forty years and took Tripoli from the Knights a few years earlier.

Anna – La Valette had spies in Constantinople and knew the Ottomans were preparing a massive fleet to send against them. He prepared his fortifications and sent civilian women and children to Sicily. The native men he kept for a fighting force. Once word arrived that the Ottoman fleet was inbound, all food and animals were to be brought into the fortresses to deny the Turks anything to live off of.
Zach – And they Turks did indeed come. They came with an estimated force of 40,000 fighting men including 4,000 of the elite Jannissaries. When the Knights of St. John saw this enormous fleet of over two hundred ships coming at them, they had to have felt fear. Their tiny garrison was grossly outnumbered and more importantly, out gunned. They had a slim hope that help would arrive from Sicily, but La Valette wouldn’t base his plans around it. He would conduct the defense of Malta as if they were on their own. And guess what? They were.
Matilda – As mentioned previously, La Valette was a tough man. he immediately made a plan of defense that required that they don’t surrender an inch of ground. They would defend every fort to the last man and give the Turks nothing that didn’t cost them dearly.
Scipio – As the Turks surrounded the island, they began to land their troops. Wisely, La Valette didn’t oppose them.
Tomoe – My fellow Japanese would do the same in World War II. They would allow them to come ashore while they stayed in their defensive positions. If they tried to defend on the beach, they would have success at first, but then they would be overwhelmed and surrounded. Valette chose to let the forts defend them where they can fight off enemy forces much larger than themselves. This is wise move.
Anna – The only hope the garrison had was help from Europe. This could only come in through the north which the Turks, for some reason, didn’t bother blockading. Instead of going against the more vital forts, they went after Fortress St. Elmo. This tiny fortress was barely noticed by the Turks and they thought it wouldn’t last five days. The entire might of the Turkish invasion turned on this one fort and its few hundred defenders. In order to win the Knights had to hold the Turks at Ft. Elmo for as long as possible. Their hope was to last until the fall when the Turks would have to sail back to Turkey because of the winter seas. It was vital that they hold the fort for as long as possible. The entire war centered on this one small fortress.

Stay tuned for next week when the defense of Ft. Elmo starts. Helms Deep has nothing on Elmo.

History’s Gaspar Correia here to bring you the real history of Thanksgiving…..how it REALLY happened. I know what you’re going to say. “But Gaspar, we already know about the Pilgrims and Indians.” That’s what they teach you in schools. It’s wasn’t a peaceful party of thankful Pilgrims celebrating with their kindly Indian Neighbors. No, sir. But before I get ahead of myself, let us start at the beginning.

It was actually more like this.

Way back, before recorded time, a group of necromancers known as “Pilgrims” led by their lich king, left England for the New World, a world where they could set up their own undead empire aided by the arts of alchemy.

However, the Pilgrims didn’t know the land was inhabited. The Native Indians were living there and they weren’t happy about the plagues Columbus dropped off in his little visits. However they would have been caught by surprise if it weren’t for the aid of a friendly time traveler. He organized the welcoming party for the pilgrims and waited on shore. The battle that ensued wrought terrible destruction to both sides.

However, the pilgrims gained a toehold on shore and sent their hordes of zombies to overwhelm the pilgrims and then…
(Olga of Kiev walks into room eating Taco Bell burrito.)
Olga – Gaspar man, what you doing on Zach’s computer machine?
Gaspar – Telling the true history of Thanksgiving.
Olga – That holiday with turkey and big fat man in red suit?
Gaspar – That’s the one. Want to help?
Olga – Glad to, darling.
(Olga sits down next to Gaspar and looks at computer for a minute, obviously deep in thought.)
Olga – What happens next?
Gaspar – So the Pilgrims settle in and start to build a colony. Their zombie horde keep them safe from attack.

Gaspar – But pilgrims soon run out of food and begin raiding Indian settlements.

Gaspar – The battles rage for years, neither side gaining the advantage.
Olga – Oh! I know what happens next!
Gaspar – You do?
Olga – Yes, yes. During battle, Russia comes in with space ships and blow peoples up!

Gaspar – Um….yes. The Russians came in and blew up both sides, but not completely. The lich sorcerers unleashed terrible spells and the Indian Medicine Men sent water monsters and spirits at them. It was a pitched three-way battle.

Gaspar – After the battle, the survivors gathered together to give thanks that they survived. They shared a meal of pizza and General Tso’s chicken to celebrate the end of the terrible war. For generations after their descendents celebrated the peace with Pizza and Chinese chicken to remember the tragedy.
Olga – What about dinosaurs with lasers?
Gaspar – Oh, yeah, um…they were there two, summoned by the undead sorcerer Pilgrims.
Olga – So, that what all this Thanksgiving is about?
Gaspar – So, now you know. Remember, dear readers, when you sit down for your Thanksgiving dinner this year. Honor the sacrifices of those that fought hundreds of years ago. Remember what really happened and not the drivel they teach you in schools. This is History’s Gaspar Correia, signing off.
Olga – Happy Thanksgiving pizza to the peoples!

Gaspar – And remember; Thanksgiving’s for winners!