Gaspar Correia here on a personal post. Yes, I stole Zach’s computer but he’s busy playing Warhammer. It’s called that but there are no hammers involved…so, whatever. Anyway, Larry Correia, the International Lord of Hate has been in the media a lot these days.
Wait, let me see if I can figure out this “link” thing…
Okay, so Larry, like me is Portuguese, a descendent of people who sailed the oceans in search of plunder. He’s a writer and makes a living from making stuff up. Recently he said that the Hugo awards was corrupt because they put their own pet causes and politics above the actual quality of the works being judged. He was called a liar. So Larry used their system, nominated people that they’d never vote for and the Hugo people started throwing out bigoted hate filled rants against them, thus showing their tolerance.
I don’t understand a lot of this modern world, but I don’t think any time period would make sense of that.
So, let me set the record straight. I, Gaspar Correia will tell the true and factual account of the life of Larry Correia, International Lord of Hate.
Young Larry began his life like any other child. But when he was only one year old his parents took him on a vacation. They were flying to Peru when their plane went down. Young Larry was the sole survivor. At one year of age he crawled through the rain forest eating berries and bugs. As he grew older he learned to hunt and soon he began wrestling alligators for food. At the age of three he killed a boa-constrictor with his bare hands.
As he grew in strength and powers Larry also learned wisdom. At the age of twelve he discovered the hut of a ancient man. This wizened old man taught Larry to hone his hunting prowess into a living, lethal weapon. He taught him how to use deception with strength. He also taught him the power of the written word. From that day forward Larry had two simultaneous paths, that of the warrior and that of the writer. He would go on to combine these two paths into one steel sword of truth and justice.
When he was eighteen he hitch hiked to New York City where he lived on the streets, using his powers to patrol the streets and fight crime. He stalked through the tall buildings of the city, hunting for predators. After years of cleaning the streets of scum and vermin he caught the attention of a man that was the leader of a syndicate of super powered criminals. This League of Evil Villains sent their best assassins after Larry.
One by one Larry fought the LEV assassins in epic battles that sprawled across the city. Frustrated by their failures, the League of Evil Villains developed an anti-matter ray that would destroy the city and Larry with it. Larry’s Coalition of Good Guy Writers found out about this nefarious plot and assaulted the Evil Tower in downtown New York and fought floor by floor up to the top.
Anna Komnene – Wait, Gaspar, the death ray was on top of a skyscrapper in New York?
Gaspar – Yeah, so?
Anna – Well, if its built in the middle of the city and its going to blow up the city…?
Gaspar – Oh. Yeah. I just remembered. The Evil Tower was staffed only by robot soldiers. The villains themselves were at their lake house in the Hamptons. So, the Coalition of Good Guy Writers forced their way to the top where a twenty foot tall cyborg with four arms ending in mono-molecular sharp blades waited for them.
The Coalition of Good Guy Writers attacked. Three of them died at the blades of the robots but they bought Larry an opening. He rushed forward, leapt in the air and with one mighty punch he smashed the cyborg in the eye. The metal beast staggered back and fell off the skyscrapper. Then the Coalition destroyed the death ray and saved the city.
Years later, on the trail of a phantom serial killer, he landed in Utah where he met a black haired super heroine. Together they stopped the murderous phantom and three weeks later they were married.
Larry then tried to lead a normal life in Utah. He tried to blend in but his warrior ways and superhuman strength always made him stand out.
But then one day trouble found him. A giant, evil moose monster attacked his home high up in the mountains. The enromous creature charged at his fortress and beat against the walls but couldn’t break through. Larry had to act or his family would be killed. He shoved off the guise of normalcy and leapt off the roof and elbowed the giant monster on the head. The creature roared and swung at Larry. He caught the beast’s claws with one hand and punched the Moose in the face. He punched and punched but nothing was affecting the giant moose.
The monster spewed poisonous bile out if its deformed mouth but Larry was immune to it.
Then Larry remembered something the wizened old man said. Long ago in his hut he told the young Larry that the written word had power beyond the physical.
So Larry took out his pen. He wrote down a quick story how the Moose had a secret weakness, a jewel on the tip of his nose. The jewel appeared, a bright red jewel right on the monster’s nose.
Larry punched the jewel, shattered it and the moose fell down dead. Larry then mounted the Moose over the gate of his fortress and forever called his fortress “Yard Moose Mountain.”
Olga – I like this story.
Gaspar – This is a true and accurate account of the life of Larry Correia. If anyone has any questions or doubts about Larry’s life, just let them read this and all doubts shall vanish.
Zach – Zachary Hill here to add my two cents about Larry. When he’s not battling monstrous moose he’s one of the best people I’ve ever had the privilege of calling a friend. Larry is one of the most generous and genuine people I’ve ever met. Countless times I’ve seen him stop in his busy schedule to answer questions to aspiring writers at conventions and give them advice. He treats everyone he meets with respect. If there’s one man who’s recent fame hasn’t gone to his head, It’s Larry Freaking Correia. He’s also one of the most honest. He’ll tell you straight up what he thinks. That’s a problem for some people. His writing is amazing but that’s not why I count him as a friend. He’s just a terrific human being. I’ve seen him defend liberals, communists, homosexuals, Muslims. To him it doesn’t matter. For all those people saying that he’s a horrible person, you know nothing about him. I’m proud to call him a friend.