History’s Gaspar Correia here to bring you the real history of Thanksgiving…..how it REALLY happened. I know what you’re going to say. “But Gaspar, we already know about the Pilgrims and Indians.” That’s what they teach you in schools. It’s wasn’t a peaceful party of thankful Pilgrims celebrating with their kindly Indian Neighbors. No, sir. But before I get ahead of myself, let us start at the beginning.
It was actually more like this.
Way back, before recorded time, a group of necromancers known as “Pilgrims” led by their lich king, left England for the New World, a world where they could set up their own undead empire aided by the arts of alchemy.
However, the Pilgrims didn’t know the land was inhabited. The Native Indians were living there and they weren’t happy about the plagues Columbus dropped off in his little visits. However they would have been caught by surprise if it weren’t for the aid of a friendly time traveler. He organized the welcoming party for the pilgrims and waited on shore. The battle that ensued wrought terrible destruction to both sides.
However, the pilgrims gained a toehold on shore and sent their hordes of zombies to overwhelm the pilgrims and then…
(Olga of Kiev walks into room eating Taco Bell burrito.)
Olga – Gaspar man, what you doing on Zach’s computer machine?
Gaspar – Telling the true history of Thanksgiving.
Olga – That holiday with turkey and big fat man in red suit?
Gaspar – That’s the one. Want to help?
Olga – Glad to, darling.
(Olga sits down next to Gaspar and looks at computer for a minute, obviously deep in thought.)
Olga – What happens next?
Gaspar – So the Pilgrims settle in and start to build a colony. Their zombie horde keep them safe from attack.
Gaspar – But pilgrims soon run out of food and begin raiding Indian settlements.
Gaspar – The battles rage for years, neither side gaining the advantage.
Olga – Oh! I know what happens next!
Gaspar – You do?
Olga – Yes, yes. During battle, Russia comes in with space ships and blow peoples up!
Gaspar – Um….yes. The Russians came in and blew up both sides, but not completely. The lich sorcerers unleashed terrible spells and the Indian Medicine Men sent water monsters and spirits at them. It was a pitched three-way battle.
Gaspar – After the battle, the survivors gathered together to give thanks that they survived. They shared a meal of pizza and General Tso’s chicken to celebrate the end of the terrible war. For generations after their descendents celebrated the peace with Pizza and Chinese chicken to remember the tragedy.
Olga – What about dinosaurs with lasers?
Gaspar – Oh, yeah, um…they were there two, summoned by the undead sorcerer Pilgrims.
Olga – So, that what all this Thanksgiving is about?
Gaspar – So, now you know. Remember, dear readers, when you sit down for your Thanksgiving dinner this year. Honor the sacrifices of those that fought hundreds of years ago. Remember what really happened and not the drivel they teach you in schools. This is History’s Gaspar Correia, signing off.
Olga – Happy Thanksgiving pizza to the peoples!
Gaspar – And remember; Thanksgiving’s for winners!