The Maid, La Pucelle, Joan of Arc. Few women are as recognizable and famous as her. Her story reads like a fantasy legend, but it’s history and history is our business.

Zach – Today we have a special guest and good friend of the blog. Everyone give a warm welcome to Joan of Arc!
(Joan comes up on stage in full armor and waving at the audience. She sits down on an ugly chair beside Zach’s desk. Anna Komemne sits on a chair next to her.)
Zach – Thanks for coming out today.
Joan – Iz no problem. I love to be here and shout ze truth to ze heavens. Oui?
Zach – Something like that. So, how have you been?
Joan – Very good. I went to restaurant last night and saw ze “French Fries” so I had to get zeem. So good. Not French like I remember, but good.
Zach – Especially covered in chili.
Anna – You’d like anything if it were covered in chili.
Zach – Yeah, pretty much.
Anna – You’re such a refined individual.
Zach – So, Joan. we’re here today to talk about your great victory at Orleans.
Joan – Oui, it was part of my divine mission to free France from the ‘orrible English.
Zach – Let’s back up a second. So, you get a mission to free France: what did you do to prepare for it? Did you sit back and think God would handle it all?
Joan – Absolument no! I was given mission, oui, but I was in as much danger as ze lowest soldier. I had mission, but it was up to me to work for it. When I had free time I would train with ze sword, lance and gunpowder weapons.
Anna – Indeed, I have a quote from Jean, Duke of Alencon. He said. (clears throat.)
“And after a meal [at Chinon Castle] the king and I went for a walk in the fields, and there Joan ran with the lance (she was jousting) and seeing Joan conduct herself in the wielding and running with the lance so, I gave her a horse. E
“Everyone marveled at this, that she acted so wisely and clearly in waging war, as if she was a captain who had the experience of twenty or thirty years: and especially in the setting up of artillery, for in that she held herself magnificently.”
Zach – “She shall know the ways as if born to them.”
Anna – That’s quite impressive, Joan. Sounds like you were a quick learner.
Joan – If I am going to lead men into ze battle, I had to know how to fight. Iz logical.
Zach – It also seems you had an affinity to black powder weapons.
Joan – Oh, yes. I love zeem. zey make loud noise like thunder. Last week Gaspar Correia let me shoot some of his gun collection.
Zach – Really? If I recall, he has mostly modern weapons. What did you think?
Joan – Very different! If I had one of zoz…what did he call it? Oh, yes, an M-14. Yes, If I had one at Olreans, it would be very short battle.
Anna – Why Olreans, Joan? You were given a mission to save France, but why start your campaign there?
Joan – A part of my mission was to get ze Dauphin crowned king in Reims. If English captured Olreans, zay would have cut ze Dauphin off from Reims. And, with ze control of Olreans, zay would control ze entire river, thus cutting France in half. It would strangle ze crown prince. Also, God told me to rescue Olreans.
Zach – Like how the North had to gain control of the Mississippi in the Civil War.
Anna – Now, Lord Salisbury had an army of about 8,000 more or less. A small army. In fact, too small to successfully surround Orleans. So Salisbury set up several small forts surrounding the city. These “boulevards” were earthen works with wooden palisades. Not intimidating but manned by Englishmen with longbows and gunpowder weapons, they were rather serious threats.
Zach – Let’s bring up a map.

There’s the town of Orleans with the demolished bridge. See the small forts all over the place? As we discuss the battle you should refer back to this map. It’ll help.

Zach – Before you arrived on the scene with your army, the English had captured the small fortress called “the Tourelles” that over looked the river and bridge.
Joan – Oui, but my brave French soldiers paid him back. He was on the Tourelles and a cannon ball from Orleans took his head off his shoulders. Divine punishment. Zen Lord Talbot came and took charge of ze English. Ze people of Orleans were very brave and refused to surrender, but zay could not hold out much longer. Zay needed help or ze city and ze river it controlled would fall to ze English.
Zach – Now, the two men in charge of the defense of Olreans were Jean “the bastard” and “La Hire” (La Hire means “the lion” in French because this guy was a large, ferocious veteran of countless battles.) The Bastard was a cousin to the Daupin and in charge. They settled in for a long siege. A siege seldom about fighting and more about logistics. Whoever starved first usually lost. It was simple.
Joan – When I arrived with my army on ze evening of April 29th, I had almost 4,000 soldiers with me and many supplies for the people.
Anna – I imagine the food was almost as welcome a sight as your army.
Joan – It all goes to ze same purpose: defending France.
Zach – Is it true you just marched in without any trouble.
Joan – No, no. Ze soldiers of Orleans sallied out of ze town and attacked ze English to give us time to enter. Zay even captured one of ze English banners in ze skirmish.
Zach – Awesome. So, what was the first thing you did when you got inside the town walls? A planning meeting? Inventory?
Joan – I asked them to take me to ze cathedral for Mass and Confession.
Zach – I shoulda known.

The town loved her and threw a parade for her. They fought to touch her or even her horse. Already several miracles were being attributed to her.

Joan – I was not happy at all. I yelled at Jean ze Batsard. I wanted to go out and fight ze English that night! Why wait? God did not want us to wait. And ze next morning I awoke ready to attack, but the officers did not want to attack! They just wanted to sit on zare tooshes and eat. Zay were afraid to attack. So, I went to ze walls and shouted out at ze English, telling zem to surrender in ze name of ze King of Heaven. They did not surrender. Instead zay threw insults at me. I wanted to get zem to fight, but zay did not want a fight either.
Anna – Insulted you? How barbarous.
Joan – A three days went by with no fighting. I rode out to look at ze boulevards and make plans. My friends said zat each boulevard could hold against our entire army. I did not believe zis. God told me to take back Orleans and I know he would not tell if to do so if zare was not a way. But zare was another reason I wanted battle sooner zan later. I heard zat General Fastolf was coming with another army to help ze English. We had to win before a second army joined ze first.
Zach – No time for waiting around, then.
Joan – Not at all! Ze King of Heaven demanded we take zis town back and so we would.
Zach – On ze morning of ze 4th, I awoke from a dream. My visions told me zat French blood was being spilled on French soil! I jumped up, strapped on my armor, grabbed my sword and banner and ran outside. Ze idiots had started attacking without me! Did zay not think me capable of fighting? Ze attack was on boulevard of St. Loup. (Look up on ze map.) I charged in and ze battle lasted three hours. If we lost, French spirit would have been crushed and Talbot would have lasted until Fastolf arrived. We had to win!
Zach – This was your first real combat, wasn’t it?
Joan – Oui.
Zach – I know what that’s like. Everyone takes it differently. How did you handle it?
Joan – I looked around at ze devastation and wept for ze dead soldiers on both sides. It was sad loss of life.
Anna – You wept for the English? I thought you hated them.
Joan – I hated what ze leaders chose to do. Ze soldiers were just men like anyone else. I could not believe so many were dead. I don’t like it.
Zach – What then?
Joan – My Voices told me zat ze siege would be over before five days were over. Everyone cheered. Ze next day was Ascension day and I would not fight on such a holy day. Instead I wrote a letter to ze English telling zem to surrender in the name of the King of Heaven.
Zach – I take it they didn’t react they way you had wanted.
Joan – Zay called me a whore and I cried at their wickedness.
Anna – That wasn’t very nice of them.
Joan – On ze morning of ze 6th we had a meeting to discuss strategy. The lord of ze city thought nobody should attack, zat zay should wait and see. So, I stood up and called him a wicked man! I called to ze soldiers and ze people of the town to take up arms against the English. Against ze orders of Lord Gaucourt, I led the army out of ze gates, crossed ze river and attacked ze boulevard of ze Augustins just in front of ze Tourelles. Jean Ze Bastard wanted to wait, but I gave him no choice. I waved my banner and ze people followed me. Two attacked and took the boulevard.
Anna – I want to make something clear. Many modern people have the idea that you were just a glorified cheerleader and that you didn’t do much fighting.
Joan – What? Not at all! I charged into battle with my men and fought all day. Ze battle lasted morning until evening. The English sallied out of ze Tourelles and me, La Hire, ze Bastard and Jean D’ Alcon fought them back into ze towers.
Zach – After a full day of fighting, you and your army rested for the night, right? I could imagine how tired you were.
Joan – Not so tired as some! Ze Bastard and the others wanted to sit and wait for more reinforcements. Silly fools. I told zem zat zay had zere council and I had mine and zat ze King of Heaven would deliver the English into our hands.
Zach – But, didn’t it make sense to wait for backup? That was an awfully powerful fort there.
Joan – Doesn’t matter! (Draws sword and raises it above her head.) I had a mission and I would not be stopped by the slow minds of men! Without telling ze officers, I awoke early, had mass and confession, zen woke my brave soldiers up and called zem to arms!
Zach – Without telling to other officers? Nice!
Joan – Zay could come if zay wanted to.
Anna – Did you give a stirring speech?
Joan – No, no need. We all knew ze dangers and importance. I was never much of a speaker. Zay said I was too…blunt. It doesn’t matter because we charged and attacked ze mighty Tourelles. It was a bloody battle with many dying on each side. And then I was struck by an arrow between my neck and shoulder.
Anna – You were shot?!
Joan – Oui. It was very painful. Crossbow bolt. Penetrated my armor.

An arrow wound was nothing to laugh at. Especially before anti-septics and pain killers. A arrow from a long bow could not penetrate full plate. A crossbow bolt at close range could or if an arrow got really lucky and got between the armor.

Zach – Holy cow. That had to suck. You went to the rear where the doctors were, right?
Joan – No, no! I refused to leave ze fight. I would not leave my soldiers. I told zem to put some medicine on, zen strapped my armor back on and continued fighting.
Zach – That’s hard core. Seriously hard core.
Joan – Ze fighting went on until eight at night.
Anna – That long? I don’t know how you lasted so long, especially with a wound.
Joan – Ze Bastard wanted to stop for ze night, but I told him to wait. I went off by myself and prayed. I was told to continue fighting. So, I took my banner and walked up right under ze walls of ze Tourelles and my soldiers followed. We stormed the walls and I was ze first to lay ze ladder up the wall. During ze fighting I lost my banner. I was too busy with my sword. But a brave soldier held it for me and refused to let it fall. Withn ze hour we took ze Tourelles. It was horrible. So many French and English killed. I could not stop crying. Zay should have believed me! Couldn’t zay see zat I was sent by Heaven?
Zach – It might have been the adrenaline dump. Stress will do that to ya. Still, it was a great victory. You ended the siege and did it in a way that frightened the English out of their minds and raised the spirits of your fellow Frenchmen, who, and let’s be honest here, badly needed it.
Joan – Oh, oui! Great victory. English ran away and ze road to Reims was open.
Anna – So, if it weren’t for you, the French commanders would have sat on their hands doing nothing. You kept pushing and pushing them to attack. That’s was very amazing. You had more guts than all those men put together.
Zach – Thank you, Joan for you story. It was an amazing battle that saved France. If you had lost there, France might never had recovered. You gave them courage again and showed them to fight and press the attack. Attack, attack, attack. Simple but effective strategy.

And, because I like this painting of Joan I did, here it is again. She wasn’t just some glorified cheerleader and France would not have survived without her. She took sword in hand and fought for her country. She knew what was right and did it despite what everyone else said. She was honest with herself and couldn’t be anything else.

Zach – We have an interesting topic today. Usually I come up with topics through random research and tangents. One interesting thing leads to another and I find a forgotten corner of history. Today is a piece of history that’s always been in the open but never paid attention to. Last week I was looking at “Operation Torch” where the Allies invaded North Africa and the Vichy French fought back.

The occupied French were fighting against the liberators?? Huh???

I was confused. Here was something I didn’t understand but wanted to. So, I delved into a topic I knew little about in order to find out the truth of this matter.
Anna – Let’s get into it and see if we can make sense of Vichy France. With us we have Countess Matilda of Tuscany: personal face wrecker to the Pope,  Gaspar Correia: imaginative historian and conquistador. And lastly we have St. Olga of Kiev: Russian convert to Christianity and expert at blood soaked rampages.
Matilda – Let’s start with the military crisis that created Vichy France. Having fought the Germans before, I know how stubborn they can be in battle. The French were completely unprepared for the German invasion in 1940. Their tactics were outdated and they had no desire for war. After the destruction of WWI, the French people simply had no stomach for a fight. The German tactics rolled over the French army and France was occupied in a matter of weeks.

Anna – How did France respond to this total defeat? That’s a rather complicated answer. The response depended on the group. Some military and government leaders fled and went to either England or the French colonies. Some welcomed the Germans because they feared the English even more. Others simply gave up and accepted it. Most, including the average person, just wanted to live in peace. The question was, what cost were they willing to pay for this peace?
Zach – This is what will define the Vichy government, peace at any price, even if that price was war. The ease of the German defeat crushed the French spirit so completely that they had no hope of ever regaining their independence. So, instead of fighting back, they just ducked their heads and rolled over. They saw no way of fighting the Germans. The French had another problem: they were completely divided. The socialists hated the conservatives, the conservatives hated the Republicans, the Republicans hated the liberals and everyone hated the communists. The conservatives (don’t confuse these terms for modern political ones) accepted the occupation because they like Germany’s focus on strong leadership, family and strength. The socialists accepted the Nazis because they liked the Nazi’s focus on socialism with government ownership of private business and social programs. The communists accepted it because at the time Germany was allied with Soviet Russia. Seeing German troops goosestepping around Paris seemed a small price to pay for survival. They feared that if they fought back, they’d lose their country completely.

The Germans directly occupied the northern half of the country and let the southern half have nominal autonomy. All of this was a joke however.

Olga – (Laughs) Oh, these Frenchies, they so proud of they freedom and thought they could work with German mean men.
Gaspar – Yes, the French, who hated the former Republic, were glad to see it go and viewed the occupation as a chance to set their government right. They changed their constitution and set up a WWI hero named Petain as a virtual dictator.

Petain’s the guy on the left and, oh yeah, the guy he’s shaking hands with is freaking Hitler. (I know I usually have a rule to not mention the “H word” but this is to prove a point.) This guy kept wanting to have meetings with the Big H, but Hitler didn’t even care enough to respond.  He unfriended him on Facebook.

Matilda – Germany didn’t occupy the entire country because they had better things to do. As long as France didn’t get uppity they were left alone for the time being. They mistakenly interpreted this as a good sign. In reality it was that France was now beneath their notice and was cheaper to let France police themselves. Petain started trying to negotiate with Germany as if they were equals. They wanted to maintain the independence by pleasing their new masters. They hoped that if they collaborated with their evil overlords they would prove useful and work as partners. I remember when Germany invaded my beloved Tuscany and I rolled over and surrendered…oh wait, that’s right. I fought back against the entire Holy Roman Empire.  Hmmm…
Gaspar – There were a few problems with trying to negotiate in a rational manner on equal terms. One: they had nothing Germany wanted that they couldn’t just take. Two: German wasn’t rational. Three: Germany had no desire to work with the French. The Big Evil H wanted revenge, not friendship. He’d rather lose the war than have his men march shoulder to shoulder with Frenchmen. This is why he deployed undead soldiers to occupy France to free up his living soldiers for the rest of Europe.

These unstoppable undead stormtroopers struck fear into the local populace.

Olga – Fire works against zombies, dah?

Anna – The Germans laid down the terms of the armistice and the French accepted them. But that was not all, the French wanted to go further. They wanted to fight against the British. In fact, the Germans were so surprised at the willingness of the French to work with them, that they distrusted them even more. They were like a small, annoying dog trying to get its master’s attention.

The dog waiting obediently for its master’s voice.

Even Dr. Seuss saw that the Nazis weren’t exactly well intentioned neighbors.

Zach – The Vichy French didn’t see the realities of the situation. They thought this Germany was the same Germany they’ve been dealing with for the past thousand years. They saw a post war Europe where Germany dominated several partners. They thought Germany could be rational. But slowly the Germans kept taking away freedoms and liberties. For the first year, 1940-41, the resistance was practically non-existent. This could be due to shock from such a total defeat, to an idea that they could finally make France how they wanted, to the fear that England would come in and take over. They wanted to maintain their overseas empire.

Thank you, Gordon Ramsay, that is a very good question.

Olga – Okay, okay. I still no understand. Why do French peoples no fight back? I get it. They want peace, yes? But I no take crap like they take. I fight back and burn German houses down…with them in it.
Anna – Many were more afraid of a possible British invasion and the chaos and destruction that would come with it.
Olga – They too scared to fight. That is sad. Theywant be slaves and safe than risk danger and be free. I don’t think I like these Vichy French peoples.
Zach – In 1942, the Allies invaded North Africa and the Vichy French fought back. They wanted to impress the Germans to show they could be partners. They also didn’t want to lose their overseas territories to the English. The Allies destroyed the French navy while they were still in port in a matter of hours. Another humiliating defeat. A few days later, Germany occupied the rest of France. Now the illusion of autonomy was proven false to everyone but the most fanatic of pro-Vichy politicians.

Joan D’Arc would not be pleased with this outcome. This made Agincourt look good.

Gaspar – What about this famous Resistance I keep hearing about?
Zach – At first they had to hide. After the 1940 invasion, the idea of resistance was met with disdain and a French jackboot to the face. Young men didn’t have local support so they would flee to the mountains and hills and fight any way they could including assassinations and bombings. As Germany ran out of slave labor from Eastern countries, they began to take men from France. As time went, they wanted more and more laborers and instead of being packed up in train carts, they fled to the mountains and joined the resistance. Think about it, these men wanted to fight for their country, but their own country didn’t want them too. That makes the handful of Resistance fighters that actually fought back, that much more impressive. They were the real heroes while the rest of the country were tripping over themselves to please the Nazis.

The French people didn’t try to fight back because they didn’t want to risk anything. Safety was worth more than freedom and it ended up costing them heavily. It cost them their honor and their souls.

Anna – But now we have to talk about something even more unpleasant. The Germans demanded that France deliver their Jews to them. At first it was only the foreign Jews that came to France as refugees, but as the quotas increased, they began to deport French citizens. Out of 76,000 Jews that they deported, only about 3,000 ever returned. In contrast, Fascist Italy fought back against the deportation of Jews and Bulgaria flat out refused. France didn’t care as long as they pleased their overlords.
Olga – Now I really no like this Vichy France place. I go burn their houses down.
(Olga gets up and leaves.)

Gaspar – Is that alright that she just left? I mean, she might just burn down the first house she sees.

Anna – It’ll be fine……………right?
Zach – What could go wrong? I wasn’t sure what I’d find when I started digging around the history of Vichy but I wasn’t expecting this. What I saw was the desire for safe slavery at any cost. They were willing to fight England, deport Jews and help the Nazis. I was hoping to find some real reasons for what they did, maybe some secret resistance against the occupiers. I was hoping the battle in Northern Africa was a fluke, but it turns out, Vichy France wanted to fight England much more. This is my opinion, but what I found I thought was absolutely pathetic.
Anna – This makes the Resistance much more heroic in my eyes. Dugal, the exiled French general that fought to regain his country, faced opposition from his own countrymen. There were real heroes in this story, but they weren’t working with Vichy France.
Zach – As always, I encourage the reader to investigate this story and find out for yourself. Maybe your opinion may be different than mine. Two people can look at the same set of facts and come out with completely different conclusions. (Disclaimer: I’m not talking hating on the entire French people or their history, just this one period of time that was led by cowardly and weak politicians. )

Friend us on Facebook or I’ll shield bash you back across the Alps. Oh, Zach said I had to be nice…so… “Like” us, please, or I’ll ram my spear….   FACEBOOK

Zach – So, a priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a yurt…

Anna – What are you blathering about?
Joan – Iz one of his silly jokes, no?
Zach – No, I’m serious. This is history. How a large kingdom converted to Judaism was because of a meeting where representatives from each of the major religion had a chat and debated about it.
Anna – Before he gets to the punchline, let’s introduce our panel. Today we have Joan D’Arc, Cleopatra, Gaspar I’m a charlatan Correia and Olga of Kiev.
Gaspar – Wait…what was that?
Anna – Nothing.
Olga – Where is food? Zachski said we would have food.
Gaspar – I ordered pizza. Don’t fret.
Olga – With bacon?
Gaspar – Double pepperoni and double bacon.
Olga – I guess it will do.
Cleopatra – And grapes. Yes, grapes. I call for grapes. And figs. Can’t do without figs.
Joan D’Arc – Enough delay! We will start zeez discussion, oui?
Zach – yes, let’s begin. Khazaria is a kingdom south of Russia by the black and Caspain Seas. Check the map.

There it is. Pretty big. It was sandwiched between Russia, Byzantium and the Islamic Empire. Not a safe place to be.

Anna – The kingdom was created when Turkic people from Western China migrated westward.
Gaspar – That’s a polite way of putting it. The Mongols chased them out. Remember last week’s Han Dynasty panel? Well it mentioned pushing Huns and Turks westward, this kingdom of Khasaria is one of the results.
Zach – Is Gaspar actually….
Gaspar – Now, we need to understand a little about the Turks here. (Gaspar leans forward and gestures with his hands.) They weren’t one racial group. Some were Mongolian, some had fair skin and blue eyes and some had bright red hair. When they went west they picked up people along the way from just about everywhere. North of the Black Sea where they eventually settled already had a large Jewish population. The Khazars didn’t just tolerate the Jews, they liked them. So when Jews from other parts of the world heard about that, they flocked to Khazaria. Persecution pushed them out of Western Europe, the Byzantine Empire and Africa and Palestine. It became an oasis of Jewish culture on the Asian steppes.
Anna – Gaspar, I’m impressed.
Gaspar – I am a historian, you puffed up princess.
Olga – Your mom’s a historian.
(Cleopatra moves close to Gaspar.)
Cleopatra – Gaspar, I had no idea you were so…scholarly. Oh, please tell me more. (strokes Gaspar’s cheek. Joan glares at them and clears her throat.)
Joan – Also, ze Khazars had connections to ze Chinese, Mongols, Persians, Arabs, Byzantines, Russians and even ze Polish. They often allies with Byzantium against ze Arabs and prevented an Arab invasion of southern Russia.
Olga – We Russians don’t need stinking Khazars to protect us against anything!
Zach – That reminds me Olga, where are you from?
Olga – Kiev of course!
Zach – Well guess what? The Khazars founded Kiev.
Olga – What??
Zach – Yup. They founded the great city of Kiev and later on the Rus took it from them.
Olga – Ha ha! My peoples take what they want.
Anna – Yes, the Khazars created a large and powerful Empire that collected tribute from its many neighbors. They weren’t as great as us Romans of course, but no one is. Because they controlled the northern route of the Silk Road, they didn’t lack for money either.
Zach – Now, these Turks were nomads, but more civilized people moved into their lands. The cities they created had yurts (think: Mongol tents) mixed with wooden and stone houses. Their religion was a shamanic pagan one and their writing was simple runes. However, they were impressed with monotheism and all the cool culture and impressive ceremonies it brought with it. So, the leaders started looking around. The Jews that were already living there were pretty outspoken and were building a growing population. The Khazars had two leaders, a spiritual one called a “Kagan” was the most powerful. A secondary leader that dealt with day to day stuff and warfare was called a “Bek.” Well, the Bek having the army you can guess what happened. Beks became more and more powerful until the Kagan was just a figure head. In 860 AD, Khazaria sent an envoy to Constantinople and asked, “What’s up with this whole Christianity thing?” So, the Byzantines sent Cyril and his brother to go talk to them. Cyril is famous for making the Cyrillic alphabet that Russia uses today… in a modified form. The Muslims were asked to send a representative as well. They met in the Kagan’s palace and there they were asked questions and debated about religion. We’re not sure why, but the Bek chose Judaism. Some say it was because he was already familiar with it and others say it was a way to assert his independence from the Christian Byzantines and the Islamic Caliphate.

“Circumcision was an easier sell than ‘no bacon?’ I wouldn’t have guessed.”

Cleopatra – And where the leader goes, so do the people. Yes, I read a few historians that said “only the leaders were Jews.” I say, nonsense. The people followed.
Olga – Exactly! We Rus leaders converted and look. Whole country of Christians now.
Cleopatra – There is plenty of archeological evidence to prove that Judaism was far more widespread than just the leaders. The funeral practices completely changed. There were letters and historical documents written by Byzantine and Arab chroniclers saying that most of the people were Jews. Also, the use of Hebrew became widespread as well. So, if someone says “No, just the leaders were Jews.” Punch them in the face and tell them “Cleopatra sends her regards.”

“Keep laughing, historians. I’m preparing a dish of hot, steaming “Shut the freak up.”

Gaspar – But let’s not overlook the true source of the Khazars power. Yes, they had a large professional army with trained and armored cavalry. But what really drove fear into their enemies’ hearts were their golems. These unstoppable warriors of stone destroyed the Jewish Empire’s enemies without remorse or pity.

Only the enemy sorcerers could slow them down. They only had five of them, but five were enough.

Cleopatra – But, that’s not true my precious Gaspar.
Zach – Don’t bother. We’ve tried to talk sense into him before.
Cleopatra – But you don’t have my skill set my dear Zachy poo.
Anna – Zachy poo?
Joan – Enough of zis distraction. The leaders of Khazar converted and within a few decades, much of ze people converted as well, oui? Why zey didn’t convert to my beloved faith I’ll never know. But Jewish scholars from around ze world wrote about Khazar and wrote letters to the kings. Two such letters still exist! Ze Khazar leader named Joseph replied to a rabbi in Spain and told him all about zeir way of life, how they send for scholars from Egypt, Iraq, Greece and France to come and teach them ze Tora.
Anna – Do you know what happened next, Zachy poo?
Zach – Don’t call me that.
Anna – Trouble began brewing with the Rus, their fine neighbors to the north. My people, the “Byzantines” didn’t like this growing empire that weren’t Christians, so they used a little diplomacy to get the Rus and Khazars to attack one another. The wars went off and on for a century or so.
Olga – Oh! Oh! I know this! My son, Svyatoslav, he take his army and go and crush the Khazars. He was so excited about it. I told him to pack his favorite boots. He always forgot them. “No, Svy, when you go killing many peoples, make sure to stay warm or you get the cold. He never listened. He was bad boy. He was also a pagan. The little…
Zach – Yes, we get it. Your son crushed the Khazar army in a single horrible battle and occupied a powerful fortress the Khazars had held for centuries. The Khazar Kagan then took the field personally and went out to meet Olga’s son. The Khazars lost big and after that the Rus continued to take more land from the Khazars.

“That was good one, Svyat! I like how you crushed that guy’s skull. Are you bringing your mother a souvenir?”
“Dah, severed arms from my slain enemies.”
“Oh, Olga’ll like that.”

Joan – So sad. As ze Rus attacked from ze north, the Muslims saw ze opportunity and attacked from ze south. Only a small part of Khazaria survived and zis was eventually captured by combined Rus and Byzantine armies under Emperor Basil II. Zay crushed ze Khazar kingdom. The Khazars that fell under Muslim occupation were forced to convert to Islam. Ze Khazars under Rus occupation were scattered. So sad.
Cleopatra – But the Khazar Jews were survivors. Many were scattered. Some came to live in Russia. Others went to Poland, Bulgaria and other Eastern European countries. They spread Judaism all across the continent with the death of their kingdom. They lost their land and wouldn’t have another land to call their own until 1948 with the creation of Israel. Many Jewish Cossacks of Russia claimed to be descended from Khazaria.

Though they were scattered all over Europe, Asia and the Mid-East, they kept their religion and traditions. It’s why Eastern Europe has such a strong Jewish community.

Zach – I wish we could tell more, but not a lot is known. There is more to learn but you’ll have to find that out on your own. Please, go look it up and learn more about this unique and interesting Kingdom of Khazaria.

Please, I implore you by ze King of Heaven, go “Like” us on ze Facebook, oui? Do zis or I shall fall upon you with my sword in my righteous anger!

Zach – Welcome back to Season 2 of Minimum Wage Historian. We had a two month vacation due to an unfortunate accident with Olga, gasoline and my computer. The computer I ordered was very late and when it finally showed up, broke after six days. The replacement took another two weeks getting here and then I’ve been doing illustrations for Larry Corriea’s book “Warbound” and a short story for the “Crimson Pact. vol 5″ for Paul Genesse. But we’re back.
Anna – I spent the time on an island in the Aegean. Very relaxing.
Zach – Well some of us have to work.
Anna – What a shame. Well, today we have a fascinating topic, the ancient Han dynasty from China.

A Han noble enjoying the prosperity.

Mulan – Ancient Chinese history isn’t something that is taught all that much in your American schools.
Zach – Not really.
Mulan – Your loss.
Anna – Also with us are Countess Matilda of Tuscany, Napoleon Bonaparte, Olga of Kiev and…of course…Gaspar Correia.
Gaspar – I sensed some hesitation at my name.
Anna – You’re imagining things.
Mulan – He’s good at that.
Zach – Let’s get started then.
Mulan – I’ll take point on this one seeing as how I lived in the Han Dynasty. (Unsheathes sword.)
Zach – Be my guest.
Mulan – Seeing as how America doesn’t teach any history in their classrooms that doesn’t involve WWII, I’m going to start with a general overview of Chinese history so we can fit this all into perspective.
Gaspar – So, where’s China?
Mulan – Chinese History is a long story of royal dynasties that are constantly rising and falling. One will rise up to power and stability. The economy will prosper and culture will boom. Then things will fall apart, there’ll be a bunch of warlords and smaller kingdoms until another dynasty rises and unites China again.

The Dynasties of China as they surged in power like the tides of an ocean.

Olga – Where is famous General Tso. I like General Tso’ s chicken.
Mulan – (Face Palms) Today we’re mainly talking about the Han Dynasty. But first I have to back track to the first emperor of China. Emperor Quin united a bunch of warring states into one, massive, centralized government. It was at this time that the Chinese began thinking of themselves as Chinese and not separate, scattered kingdoms. Under the Quin Dynasty, China’s culture began to grow and become more refined than they ever imagined. The organization became more sophisticated than anything Europe would see until the eighteenth century.
Napoleon – Ha! I read about this so called emperor. He was a madman!
Mulan – Yes, that was a problem. He was a maniacal lunatic that enacted such harsh laws that people quickly began rebelling against them. For example, one army unit was struggeling to march to where they were to report to but the monsoon rains delayed them. Under the Quin, they would be harshly punished for any infraction, regardless of circumstances. So, instead of reporting in and promptly becoming prisoners, they went off on their own and became rebel/bandits.
Matilda – Like Robin Hood, yes?
Mulan – Not so nice as that. In fact, they were very surprised when other disgruntled people began flocking to join them and soon they had a full scale rebellion on their hands. The generals that were sent out to quell the rebellions fought and lost and when they lost they joined their forces with the rebels instead of returning to the Empire for harsh punishment. As a result, the rebellion grew and grew until China was a chaotic jumble or warlords fighting for power.
Anna – So, the Quin (or Chin) Dynasty leaders were so pointlessly harsh that they caused just about everyone to rebel? That’s not what I’d call good governing.

The collapse of the Quin Dynasty was a time of warfare and anarchy. It wouldn’t be in my top ten places to visit with a time machine.

Mulan – No, it wasn’t very pleasant. The Quin Dynasty fell in 207B.C. However, in about 202BC, the Han dynasty emerged. This was the equivalent to the Roman Empire of the West. About the same time period, set an example for every following empire and eventually fell to barbarians and anarchy while a foreign religion became popular.
Anna – Like the Romans? I like these Han already.
Mulan – The man that united China under the Han was born a commoner. He was a career soldier who showed kindness to his conquered enemies, mercy, charity and a general desire to help his people. He was everything Emperor Quin wasn’t. Under his rule, all the harsh policies of the Quin were erased, he lowered taxes and took a very “hands off” approach to government. The people were free to live as they would and the merchants were free to make as much money as they wanted. This man was Han Kao.

Gaspar -Han Kao is Chinese for “really awesome dude.”
Mulan – No it isn’t.

Mulan – However, he died young and had a very short but amazing reign. When he died, his wife, Empress Lu, took over.

Gaspar’s photo of Empress Lu.

Mulan – No, Gaspar, she looked more like this.
Matilda – I liked Gaspar’s photo better.

Mulan – Lu proved to be every bit the leader her husband was. Having grown up a commoner, she understood the problems the commoners had and ruled with frugality and benevolence. Her children who succeeded her also ruled with the same generous wisdom. The population soared, the people grew richer than they had under the Quin and China expanded its borders. A later Han emperor named Wu Ti gained power over the nobles and invaded Korea and Vietnam.
Napoleon – Ha! Someone needs to invade North Korea now and shut that fat child up.
Gaspar – At this time during the Han Dynasty, the magic of controlling the elements was first explored. There were people that could bend fire to their will and air and…
Olga – Control fire? Olga must learn this magic.
Matilda – It’s not real, Olga. Gaspar’s just been watching too much Avatar the Last Airbender.
Olga – I like that movie!
Gaspar – Not the horrible movie! The cartoon!
Mulan – Silence or I’ll drop and make you push until I get tired. (Everyone falls silent.) Better. As we see, the Han Dynasty is a stable, peaceful place where a person is free to prosper as she pleases. The military victories brought large areas of land under the control and pushed the proto-Mongol barbarians westward. Those barbarians would eventually show up in the Roman Empire as the Huns of Attila.
Anna – So! Attila was your fault!
Matilda – But… This prosperity can’t last long.
Mulan – Correct. After Wu Ti, there were a bunch of unremarkable leaders that couldn’t maintain this level of progress. Eventually the lack of leadership got so bad that they brought in a non-Han official to take over. His name was Wang Mang. (Gaspar chuckles) Wang Mang was an idealist. He controlled the empire to his strict version of Confucianism. He centralized the power of the government, micro managed everything, made laws that were so strict they were practically unenforceable. He took land from the nobles, business from the merchants and made mountains, rivers, forests and streams government property. In short, he angered every social class in China. Food prices rose like a Chinese rocket, mass starvation created thousands of refugees that were dependent on the government and the border kingdoms that owed China their allegiance succeeded from the Empire. Things got so bad that the government started falling apart.

“Hmm…I’ve raised taxes, confiscated people’s land and businesses. Why don’t the people love me? I don’t get it.” – Wang Mang

Mulan – Eventually a group of rebels stormed the palace ( I don’t think the palace guard put up much of a fight. ) and killed Wang Mang. The next ruler was another Han and things got back to normal. Things became prosperous and they even launched an exploratory mission all the way to the Black Sea.
Matilda – I read our assigned reading about this.
Olga – Assigned reading?
Matilda – At this time, the farmers were very different from what we knew in Europe, right? In Europe during this time, a farmer was largely self sufficient. They had different crops, raised livestock and did a bunch of other things. What excess they had they’d trade off with their neighbors. Not so in China. There the farmers worked like a modern economy. Each farmer grew a great deal of one crop and they wouldn’t eat their own crops. They’d take their one crop to town and sell it to merchants who ran the trade routes. Then the farmer would use that money to buy his food and whatever else they needed. It was all very organized and handled in an surprisingly efficient way.
Mulan – That is correct. The bureaucracy was also enormously complicated and grew more prestigious and educated with each passing dynasty. Even minor bureaucrats were expected to know the classics and understand the latest philosophies.

Han were rocking civilization when other parts of the world were hitting each other over the heads with clubs during a feud over an escaped pig.

Mulan – But the “hands off” style of the Han had one drawback. It let the land owning nobles gain too much power. They started to control their farmers like Medieval peasants and worse and took over their farms. They gathered large private armies until their estates were practically small and separate countries. They slowly eroded the power of the Han. The culture of the nobility, as the power of the Empire shrank, began to care less and less for the world around them and like the French aristocracy before the French Revolution, they withdrew into their own private worlds of pleasure and vice.
Napoleon – Ha! They can only live off the suffering of the common man for so long! I will show what we do to uncaring Monarchists!
Mulan – As the nobles drifted off into apathy, the eunuchs of the court gradually took power until they controlled the government. They began to abuse their power and impoverished the Empire for their villas and extravagant tombs. Generals began rising up in rebellion and making their own little kingdoms. The eunuchs were killed and thrown out, but it was too late. The Empire was too weak to recover. It fell apart into anarchy of many warring states.

Warfare spread all over and like the Roman Empire, collapsed into petty warlords.

Mulan – A general named Tsao Tsao tried to reunite the Empire but only succeeded in unifying the northern half. In his wars to try to bring unity, he fought the famous battle of Red Cliff. (Maybe I’ll do a post on that battle later.) But with the failure of Tsao Tsao (or Cao Cao) the two southern kingdoms continued and we get the famous “Three Kingdoms” era of Chinese History. This was a time of daring deeds and romance. Many stories, books and legends came from this time, almost like how you Westerners view the time of King Aurthur.

King Arthur? Please. I’d send him back to his mama, crying and without his lunch money.

Zach – Very awesome, Mulan. Thank you for that.
Anna – I always wondered what the lands that silk came from were like.
Mulan – I hope to teach more of my land’s history.
Zach – If you buy lunch.
Mulan – Deal.
Olga – But what about this General Tso and his remarkable chicken?
Mulan – Shut up.

Gaspar here, don’t forge to “Like” us on Facebook. Zach told me to say that. I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean. Facebook? Umm…the “link’s” just below me somewhere….there it is.

https://www.facebook.com/MinimumWageHistorian

Anna Komnene – Welcome everyone to Minimum Wage Historian!
Olga of Kiev – Where’s Zachsky?
Anna Komneme – Don’t worry about him. Today’s topic I’m afraid isn’t as exciting or funny as usual. It’s a rather sad story about an emperor. As Byzantium was dying, one man experienced a series of tragedies that mirrored the tragedies of the Empire.
Gaspar Correia – Wait, I thought today’s topic was Ancient China.
Mulan – Yes, that’s what Zach said on Monday. ( Holds up stack of books and notes. )
Anna – Um…Don’t worry. Zach E-texted me this morning. Said he couldn’t make it and to change today’s topic.
Gaspar – E-texted? You don’t know what you’re talking about, do you?
Anna – How DARE you question an Imperial princess! I was born in the Purple Chamber of the Imperial Palace!
Olga – Yes, yes, yes. You say this thing every day. You bad liar.
Mulan – Where is Zach and what did you do to him?
Anna – Oh, well…
I may have
Um….
maybe had him…
Mulan – Anna!
Anna – I may have had him kidnapped.
Mulan – You what?
Olga – (Laughs hysterically.)
Gaspar – For money, right? I’ll go in, 60/40.
Anna – No, he wanted to talk about Ancient China, but I have more Byzantine history to tell, so we’re telling it or I’ll have my Varangian Guard come in and beat you up.
Gaspar – (Throws up hands) Hey, you wanna talk Byzantine history, who am I to argue. Let’s do it.
Mulan – You have a bad habit of fomenting coups, don’t you?
Anna – I don’t know what you’re talking about so I’ll ignore that comment. Let’s start, shall we? Today’s topic is about the son of last week’s topic, Michael Palaiologos, the “Dark Emperor” as Zach so ineptly called him.
Gaspar – I thought it was funny.
Anna – Shut up. Michael had a son named Andronikos Palaiologos II.

Byzantines were bigger fans of facial hair than Civil War generals. But Andronokis went against fashion and cut his beard square. Not sure why.

Mulan – His father was a ruthless man. Was this Andronokis the same?
Anna – Not hardly. Andronokis was a thoughtful, caring person who loved his family and his empire more than himself. He is one of the longest reigning emperors, forty years he sat on the throne of the Roman Empire. But he was also fairly weak person. He had none of his father’s ruthlessness but he also lacked his father’s drive and forcefulness.
Gaspar – Not ruthless? So he had plenty of ruth? Ruth is an important part of anyone’s character.
Anna – Shut up. It was a harsh time and he was not a harsh man. He worked hard, but he worked poorly. During his reign the Empire lost much of its meager territory for good. His name meant “Man of Victory” but he would see no victory, only loss after loss. Keep in mind that he wasn’t incompetent, he just was the wrong man for the times. After his father’s death the Empire was surrounded by enemies on all sides. Bulgarians, Serbians, Latins and especially the Turks. Each one was eating away and the Empire. Mulan, you’re a soldier, what would you do?
Mulan – I’d throw every coin into the military, regain territory which would earn more money and stay on the offensive no matter what. Every territory gained is more revenue earned.
Anna – Exactly. But Andronokis disbanded the navy that had saved Constantinople so many times in the past and got rid of all the army except a few thousand mercenaries.
Mulan – Wait…he did what?
Anna – He was a peaceful man in a time of war.
Mulan – Peaceful or no, was he an idiot?
Anna – An idealist. When he was young his father sent him to Turkey to fight the Turks. Instead of attacking he found the ruins of a town and he spent his time rebuilding the town and bringing settlers in to live there. A few years later the Turks marched in and simply took it. All his hard work for nothing. This was typical of his reign.

Not a good time to have a mediocre emperor.

Anna – Let’s start with his long series of tragedies, some were political and some were personal. Not all were his fault. He was born under an unlucky star. When he realized that the empire was being taken apart like a wounded fish in a school of sharks he realized too late that he in fact needed a military. So he hired a mercenary company led by a man named Roger de Flor. Roger was a German leading a group of Spanish mercenaries and was kicked out of the Knights Templar probably for being a “douche bag” as Zach would call him.
Olga – I miss Zachsky. (dramatic sigh)
Anna – Shut up. This mercenary, Roger, has a few successes against the Turks but when they weren’t fighting Turks they were raiding and destroying Byzantine towns. They refused orders and extorted money from Byzantine officials they ran across.

Roger de Flor in action, “helping” his Byzantine masters.

Anna – After all of Roger’s hard work, he finally returned to Constantinople to demand more payment for services rendered. I hate to say this about a fellow Roman, but Andronikos had no spine. Instead firing Roger, he promoted him to Caesar, the third highest rank in the Empire and gave him some fancy new clothes and gifts. Ever the gentlemen, Roger left the city and as he sailed away he publicly dumped all his gifts into the harbor as a sign of his disrespect.
Mulan – What a dishonorable jerk! I’d cut his head off!

Mulan – This is what I’d do that no-good thug!

Anna – Yes, well, you have more “testicular fortitude” than Andronikos. He gave the mercenaries more money and told them to go back and fight the Turks. Roger agreed, took the money and promptly went to Adrianople, where Andronikos’s son, Michael IX the co-emperor lived. Roger shows up and invites himself to a huge feast. Michael inherited some of his grandfathers ruthlessness -
Gaspar – There’s that word again.
Anna – Shut up. Michael knew what these mercenary scum were up to. He didn’t attend the feast but instead decided to take a much “harsher” approach to the problem. He orders his men in to the feast where they proceed to slaughter Roger and his officers. When Michael heard the “news” he said, “What a pity!”
But that wasn’t the end to Andronikos’s sorrows. His first wife, A a Hungarian princess named Anna died young and so he married an Italian princess named Yolonde. He grew to love Yolonde deeply and she bore him several sons but the daughters all died in infancy. He then fasted and prayed for a daughter and lit several candles, one to each saint and whichever candle lasted the longest he’d name his child after that saint. He eventually had a girl and the candle that died last was St. Simon. Not a gilr’s name so he named her “Simonis,” a unique name for a girl that would prove to have a unique and tragic life. Like me she was born in the purple chamber of the palace and so held great respect. But the Serbian king Mulitin was rampaging all over Greece and threatened to take Thesselonika if the emperor didn’t give him an Imperial princess for a wife. He had had three wives already, each one died mysteriously.
Olga – I no like this man!
Anna – Just wait, you’ll have even less reason to like him. Andronikos, lacking a vertebrae as previously mentioned, gave in and gave Mulitin his only daughter, Simonis. She was only 6. This wasn’t uncommon, but usually the wedding was ceremonial and the bride wouldn’t be “Man and Wife” until she was of age. But Mulitin didn’t wait. He abused the poor girl so that she’d never be able to bare children.

Here is a melancholy portrait of the poor child bride, Simonis or Simonida as the Serbs called her. All she wanted was to return home.

Anna – Just a generation ago such a marriage to a barbarian like Mulitin would have been unthinkable. But Andronikos was weak and let it happen. He loved his daughter was ashamed for her treatment. Simonis hated her “husband” and only wanted to return home. She thought if her father new her situation he’d let her return. Eventually Mulitin let her go home for a visit. Once back in Constantinople she refused to go back, but the hopeless emperor new that if she didn’t, her husband would renew his war against the Empire and he had nothing to stop him. So he sent the poor, crying girl back. On the way back to Serbia, she escaped and ran to a monastery and dressed as a nun, but her guards found her and forced her to return in tears. When she was 23 Mutilin died and she hurried back to Constantinople where she lived a sad, lonely life.
Mulan – I’d cut off Mutilin’s head too! That pig deserves to be skinned alive!
Olga – I burn his house and city down!
Gaspar – Cement shoes are too good for him.
Anna – It’s a tragedy that would never have happened if the emperor and the Empire were stronger. But there’s more tragedy to come. Yolonde, Andronikos’s wife, was a vain, greedy woman who thought Simonis had married well. Yolonde hated her step sons who were born by Anna, so she pleaded with her husband to divide the Empire among all his sons and give her sons an inheritance. Andronikos knew that the request was ridiculous. Divide the already shrinking Empire? Never. So, Yolonde threw a fit. she cried, wailed, screamed and threatened to kill herself, but none of it worked. Yolonde then left her husband and moved to Thesselonaka and stayed there for the rest of her life. This shamed Andronikos even further. He had loved her but all she loved was money and power. For all his faults, he was a good man that wanted to do right by his people and his Empire. In better times he might have made a halfway decent emperor. He had lost the love of his wife so he could insure his son, Michael would be Emperor after him. He was his father’s favorite.

Oh, yes, Zach did draw this. Andronikos and his first wife, Anna.

We’ve mentioned Michael already. He was the elder son and set to inherit the Empire. He had a son and named them after his grandfather, “Andronikos.” He loved his son more than anything else and doted on him. He was the one ray of sunshine in the Emperor’s cloudy life. Michael however, didn’t take his duty seriously. He was what you modern people would call a “Frat boy.” He spent his time partying and buying things he couldn’t afford. He had a cousin though and they were closer than brothers. His cousin, John was a thinker and took things seriously. he tried to keep Michael’s excesses under control. But then Michael fell in love with a married woman and became very jealous. He ordered his men to watch her house and to beat up any man that came to see her. But one night, Michael’s little brother had to deliver an urgent message to him and figured he could find him at the woman’s house. As he approached the door, Michael’s thugs jumped out and beat the young man to death. When news spread of the murder, Michael was accused of murder and was disinherited. Michael wept for his brother and promised to be a better man, but it was too late. When Andronikos heard the news, his heart broke. Michael left the capitol and young Andronikos loved his disposed father and worked with his grandmother Yolonde to inherit the throne. The Emperor grew to mistrust his grandson and eventually trumped up immature charges against. The grandson threatened civil war and the two reconciled. Eventually Andronikos grew old and feeble and with a broken heart, retired as a monk. His poor daughter, Simonis, nursed him for the rest of his life. It must have been a sad, lonely household, the two of them. She never married again and didn’t want to. He had seen everything he spent his life working for fall apart in his face. The Empire was worse off than when he first inherited it and his family was torn to pieces with civil war on the horizon. One family’s tragedy held the fate of the Empire.
Mulan – I’m fairly depressed now.
Olga – Very sad story. I like Zach’s happy stories better.
Gaspar – Yeah, seriously. I can’t even..enhance this story. What a downer.
Anna – But it’s what happened. Not all of history is uplifting and cheery. Byzantine history is normally told in a very stiff, formal and distant manner. I told this story to show that behind the dry facts of history, there were real people and real families that bled and cried.

This is the flag of the Palaiologos dynasty and became the flag of the Byzantine Empire in its final century. The story of the Palaiologos family is far from over. Maybe I’ll get rid of Zach again and tell more of their stories down the road.

Zach – Today’s post is about the darkest time for the Byzantine Empire. It is an empire shattered and in exile. In 1204 the grotesque 4th Crusade, instead of liberating the Holy Land, attacked Constantinople and took it over. The Crusaders looted the city for years stripping the churches and palaces of anything that was worth anything. The emperor fled to Nicea along the coast of Anatolia (Turkey) and set up a government in exile. There were several factions that split off from the Byzantine Empire and most didn’t recognize Nicea’s claim to the governments. Others just didn’t care.

Here we see the once mighty Byzantine Empire, shattered and fragmented.

Anna – How the Empire came to be like this would require a post by itself. It seems hopeless for my beloved Empire, but a hero arises. It’s not the hero Byzantium deserves, but its the hero Byzantium needs. But first let’s get into our panelists. We are most honored to have Catherine the Great, Empress of Russia. Next we have Saint Olga of Kiev, first Christian convert in Russia and a lunatic. Next we have Boudica, barbarian rebel against Rome. And lastly we have Gaspar Correia, conquistador and “historian.”
Zach – The Byzantine Empire: the continuation of the ancient Roman empire in the Middle Ages. For some reason it isn’t really taught in public schools. In high school I think we spent a day on it and mostly talked about Justinian’s re codification of Roman Law. (Important but kind of boring.) It was a fascinating place and as our story opens, its in a desperate position. Surrounded by enemies and fractured internally. But the Byzantines didn’t give up, a trait they’ll carry with them until the death of the Empire. For fifty years they fought for every inch of land and power they could while constantly waiting for their chance to take their beloved city, Constantinople back from the hands of the Crusaders.
Catherine – During this time the Byzantine government in Nicea was ruled by a man with little royal blood. His name was John Doukas Vatatzes. He was called “John the Merciful.” He was a wise leader that loved his country. He kept the Empire together and lead them with intelligence and strength. He slowly but steadily grew his exiled Empire along the coast of Turkey. But he was growing old and Constantinople was still out of reach. His only son and heir to the Empire was a sickly lad and not a capable leader at all, much like my husband was… before he got blown up.
Olga – Your husband got blown up? Did you blow up the ones that blew him up? I burnt down city of mens that killed my husband.
Anna – Yes, John’s son, Theodore was less than inspiring. That’s what happens when you don’t have royal blood. But there was one man that inspired the people and the military. His name was Michael Doukas Angelos Komnenos Palaiologos. A long name, I know, but it shows hes related to several important royal families, including my own! In fact, except for this John character, almost every Byzantine Emperor after my father could be traced directly to him. Isn’t my father wonderful?
Boudica – I see a bunch of soft, over fed dandies pretending to have problems.

Here’s Michael himself.

Zach – John recognized that Michael was a very capable and very ambitious man. To keep him from trying a coup or leading a rebellion, he promoted him to an officer in the Imperial army. But eventually John grew suspicious of Michael (rightly so) and accused him of disloyalty. Usually John the Merciful earned his nickname, but this time, he knew the threat was great so he borrowed a form of trial from the Latin occupiers. If Michael was able to hold a red hot iron without being burned, it showed that God knew he was innocent. At the “trial” when the bishop who was acting as judge told Michael to grab the glowing iron, Michael said, ” Sure, I’ll do it, but you have to hand it to me first.” The bishop was understandably reluctant and called the proceedings off. The Byzantine crowd, proud of their Roman traditions of fair trials, knew this was a farce and Michael’s popularity soared. John was no fool and with Michael’s upswing of popularity, John gave him his niece, the princess Theodora Doukaina. He didn’t really like her but she loved him and even adopted his last name, not unheard of, but rare at that time. That soon became the trend in Byzantium.
Anna – Only a year later John died and his son Theodore inherited the exiled throne of the Roman Empire. Theodore was an unpleasant man prone to quick mood swings. Michael knew this was not a good situation to be in. Theodore was also very paranoid and Michael knew he was in Theodore’s “Not a friend” list. So he went to the Turks and offered his service as an officer. For the next few years Michael would be off fighting the Mongols far to the east and having great success. But, he was related to me, so of course he had great success. But back in Nicea, Theodore was proving to be not completely incompetent. In spite of his illness, he personally led his army on an almost constant campaign against the enemies that surrounded him, mostly against the Despotate of Epiros.
Boudica – The brave Mongols were giving the Turks a hard time, right? So the Turks made peace with the Byzantines so they could focus their manpower at the Mongols which had taken over, like, half the world by now. Go Team Barbarian! But a part of this treaty was that they send Michael back to them. When he got back he met Theodore and bowed down low making all kinds of promises to be super loyal and never try to take the throne.
Catherine – But, the sickly Theodore soon died after that and his only son was only nine years old. There was a regent, one of John’s friends. On his coronation day, Michael had a bunch of mercenaries burst into the church and kill the regent. Michael then stepped up as “protector” of the young heir and assumed the throne. Not a pleasant way to gain power but Michael was not a pleasant man. he was ruthless and cunning, but he was also patriotic and intelligent.

Gaspar’s photo of Michael taking over the Empire.

Anna – The young heir, John, couldn’t do anything to stop Michael from taking over. At the coronation where John was supposed to have been crowned emperor, Michael ordered the Patriarch to crown him instead. Ruthless. Technically John was Emperor though, but only in name. But, his ruthless aspirations aside, Michael threw himself into the cause of the Empire. He renewed the war against the Despotate and against the Latin occupiers. He was a great military leader that managed to wind many victories with his small army. He slowly made his way to Constantinople and sent scouts out to watch the city for any sign of weakness. The general in charge watched and waited. Then one day his scouts rushed up to him and reported that the Venetian ships (Venice propped up the Latin Empire like America did to petty dictators through the Cold War) and the entire Latin army had left. They technically had a pact of non-aggresion with the Latin Empire, but the general knew this was too good of a chance. He also knew that Michael would care about treaties or niceties like promises or honor. So he rushed into the city to the cheers of the occupied Byzantine civilians and quickly sent word to Michael. Michael was sleeping when his sister Eulogia entered his tent and tickled his feet. “Emperor, you are master of Constantinople,” she said.
“How can I be when I am in Meterion?” Michael asked.
She explained and he gathered his army and Rushed to Constantinople and entered through the Golden Gate, the ceremonial gate in which triumphant generals and emperors would enter for their grand parades.

“Yo, John, you’re cramping my style. I don’t care if you are emperor, you’re in my space.”

Gaspar – But in my research I uncovered how the army actually got into Constantinople. Few defenders, yes, but it has a big wall. Michael’s army used ancient teleportation magic learned from the Pharaohs of old. The court sorcerers teleported a team of magically animated automatons wielding Greek Fire. These metal beasts with flame throwers made short work of the Latin garrison.

The Byzantines had many mechanical contraptions such as a throne that lifted into the air with mechanical lions the roared and metal birds that sang.

Olga – Robots shooting fire? I like! I want robots that shoot fire. Go buy me them!
Anna – No, Gaspar, actually the Garrison were Greeks and opened the gates for them because they hated the Latins.
Gaspar – Oh. Are you sure?
Anna – Very.
Zach – But Michael found a capitol city almost in ruins. The churches were emptied, houses were left empty and rotting. The Imperial palaces were hardly fit for living in and the crown jewel of the Empire, the greatest city in the world, was a ruin of what it used to be. He immediately He started a rebuilding project. He started with the public buildings, the courts, the theaters, the homes for the old and poor and of course the churches. In Byzantium religion and politics were the same thing. This wasn’t a false attempt at piety, the Byzantines were very religious. It was their favorite subject to talk about in the markets, they loved their icons and everything that happened had some spiritual meaning to it. For some reason though, Michael would forget this.
Catherine – Michael restored land and property taken by the Latins to the Byzantine families that used to own them…and the taxed the snot out of them and everyone else. This was strike one against his popularity. Strike two came when he had the heir, John, blinded and sent away. Blindings were common back then but to do it to a boy was considered monstrous. No one really knows what happened to John. Some say he became a monk. Some say he regained his eyesight and left of Sicily. (He was blinded by being forced to look into a light. It was considered more humane.)
Boudica – And they call us barbarians? Bah! Well, Michael had enemies in the court, but he also had powerful enemies everywhere else. He made allies of far away countries that were enemies to his nearby enemies. He’d scheme and organize wars between those countries so they wouldn’t turn towards Byzantium. In Sicily, King Charles Anjou, brother of the French king, was planning on launching another Crusade to destroy Byzantium. When Michael heard of this he knew he didn’t have the money to raise an army that could hope to win against Manfred’s. So he sent spies into Sicily to stir up rebellion. He also made his third strike. He went to the Pope. At this time, the Catholic and Orthodox churches were split and disliked each other to the point of hatred. He sent a message to Rome saying that they’d acknowledge the Pope as supreme ruler if he agreed to protect Byzantium. When word spread about this, the people were ticked off to no end. These were super religious people to whom compromise was seen as weakness. They would sooner die that bow before the Pope. They also hated the Latin’s for their many years of Crusader occupation. To Michael it was just politics, but to the Byzantine people it was their souls. Hmmm…I’m not a fan of big governments that tell you how to live your lives and either were the Byzantines when it came to religion.
Zach – Michael tried to force the people to accept the union but the more he pushed, the more the people fought back. He resorted to torture and execution to make it happen, but it all backfired. His loyal sister Eulogia even got sick of his crap and left to Bulgaria and promised to fight against her brother with everything she had. Don’t mess with a Byzantine’s religion. Eventually Rome grew tired of waiting and Okay’d the Sicilian crusade. Aside from the rebellions he was creating in Sicily, he sent word to the king and queen of Aragon that Sicily was ready to revolt and they should be ready to move in and take over. The match was finally struck when one of Anjou’s French soldiers tried to molest a local girl. The Sicilians had had enough and within days the entire island was in revolt.

Sicilian’s rising up. Red, the color of angry men.

Anna – Then the king of Aragon quickly moved in with his forces to “pacify” the region, as you modern people like to say. Michael had saved the Roman Empire without shedding a single drop of blood, well, Byzantine blood anyway. This was his greatest victory. After that he went over to put down a rebellion, got sick and died in some town of no consequence. The priests refused him any kind of religious ceremonies for his funeral and basically just dumped in in the ground with no pomp or ceremony in the middle of the night. It wasn’t until years later that they dug up his body and gave it a slightly better funeral in some monastery way out in the boonies. His wife publicly denounced him and no prayers were said for him. In their eyes he had betrayed the faith that was more important to them than life. It didn’t matter what he had done for the Empire, all of that was moot when he went against their church. We Romans take our faith seriously. To us, you can’t sacrifice the Church for the Empire. The Empire was there to support the Church.
Zach – Michael was a complex man. He was brave and intelligent and would do anything for his Empire. He had done more to restore the Empire than anyone else and yet his people hated him for the way he did it. For them, the means did not justify the end. He was a mixture of good and bad that might never be fully understood.
Olga – I like him. He kick butt and take name.
Gaspar – I don’t see what everyone’s whining about.
Boudica – A lesson in tyranny. It doesn’t matter what benefits you get if the government tells you how to live your life.
Catherine – Ruthless. I like that him.
Anna – He was a Roman and flawed one, but he was necessary.

He made the difficult choices a hero couldn’t make. He was the man Constantinople needed even though they hated him for it.

Olga – Don’t forget to like us on the facebooks page thing.

http://www.facebook.com/MinimumWageHistorian